Black and Blue: The Storm

8.

"What about a nasty bitch? I noticed that you didn't say anything about that. Are there feelings of validity there?" I blinked repeatedly to keep the tears at bay and shrugged, "I don't know. Aborting Jeremiah's child without telling him was a nasty thing to do. Deceiving Elijah was a nasty thing to do." Dr. Thompson's pen resumed its glide against the paper, "what were the change of events that occurred after the tumultuous reunion, that led to the two of you being intimate?"

I tucked my bottom lip and slowly released it from in between my teeth, "he couldn't contain his rage any longer, and he needed an outlet." Dr. Thompson pushed her brows together, "what lies beneath that bandage, Nyla?" I sat upright on the sofa and placed my hands in my lap, interlocking my fingers in the process, "physically or mentally?" Dr. Thompson tilted her head, "you tell me."

"I could tell you that sometimes, Elijah gets so filled with anger, that the only way to relieve his body of the physical turmoil is to take it out on mine, with his teeth, his hands, whips, and rough intercourse. I could tell you that if he knew it was going to be a night when the sex would be painful, he would always ask for permission prior to doing anything to me, but this time he didn't," tears rolled down my cheek. "I could tell you that I've accepted this part of him and I've never denied him of having his way when he gets like that, and I didn't choose now to start, even with him constantly tearing me down, with no remorse."

I hung my head, the trunk of my body vibrating with sobs, "I could tell you that I gave that man my body on Sunday morning and last night I could feel him back home, having sex with his girlfriend, I assume. I could tell you that I no longer trust him with me, but what's more is that I no longer trust myself with me, because I still love him." I looked to Dr. Thompson, with wet orbs, "does that answer your question?"

Dr. Thompson's face contoured with sympathy. "Is it correct of me to say that if Elijah were to attempt to be intimate with you, in any way or fashion, you feel that you would let him, even if you didn't want to?" I rubbed my eye with the bottom of my palm, while tears continued to fall, and nodded my head, "yes. I know I'm stupid for that, I'm sorry."

Dr. Thompson shook her head, "we don't use that word in here. You are not stupid and you don't have to apologize to me. Elijah's return was sudden, and considering how the relationship ended and the feelings that have carried on, as life has went on, it is understandable that you would welcome a piece of him, regardless of how he wanted to give it to you. My concern is that in doing so, you are now subjecting yourself to a realm that you aren't used to with Elijah, and that is a realm where he's not always nice and doesn't make you feel good."

With my face in my hands, I leaned forward and rocked back and forth, "it took so long to come as far as I have. I'm scared, Dr. Thompson. I'm scared." I bawled. Footsteps headed my way and within seconds, a hand caressed my back, carrying the scent of Dr. Thompson's usual fragrance, White Diamonds. "Acknowledging that there is danger is the first step to avoiding it. If Eliana were in your shoes, what advice would you tell her?"

I wiped my face dry and met her gaze with my brows pulled low, "I would tell her to love herself more than she loves a man, for then she wouldn't accept anything that doesn't align with her idea of happiness." Dr. Thompson hooked her pointer finger and lifted my chin, "her greatest example is you. It's time for you to lead as so."

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5:21 PM

"Smells good in this mug! What's on my menu this week?" Jaxson asked, while plopping down on the barstool. I continued to trim the Brussels sprouts, "your proteins are blackened fish, stuffed chicken breast, and ribeyes. For your veggies, you have asparagus, French green-beans, and Brussels sprouts. We couldn't forget about a healthy carb, so I made some quinoa, brown rice, and sweet potatoes." I glanced at him and shot him a smile.