Scanlan: I thought you were dead, but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
(This could work for literally ANY female character he's talking to)
~~~~~
Vax, reading something: the fuck is a "shugyou"?
Scanlan: a hug that makes you shit yourself
Grog, under his breath: me every time I see Lady Kima
Vax and Scanlan: *wheezing*
~~~~~
NPC: damn, must be hard being that fucking ugly
Percy, very pissed off and not wanting to deal with shit: why don't you go touch yourself in a dark corner where only god can see your shame?
NPC: *stunned silence*
The rest of the party: what the fuck—
(I'm just gonna call any random person an NPC, I'm deciding it now)
~~~~~
Vax: yum, thanks!
Lord Briarwood, putting more tape over his mouth: I said stop eating it
~~~~~
Percy: fighting my demons, but they're beating my ass right now
~~~~~
Pike: we can't do this anymore! It's too dangerous!
Scanlan: when has that ever stopped us?
~~~~~
Allura: what are you doing here...?
Scanlan, just there to cause a distraction: oh, I'm just here selling butfores
Allura: what's a butfo—
Allura, glaring at him: get out
~~~~~
Keyleth: I would just like one day without a panic attack
Grog: THEN ATTACK BACK!
Keyleth: what?
Grog: IF YOU ARE BEING ATTACKED YOU HAVE TO ATTACK BACK!
Keyleth: grog, that's not how that works...
Grog: STOP BEING A FUCKING COWARD KEYLETH AND ATTACK THE PANIC!!!!
(He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit)
(Also I had a panic attack while driving the other day)
(2/10 would not recommend)
~~~~~
Keyleth: it's been so long since I licked a tree!
~~~~~
Scanlan, walking into a room: sorry I was late, I was...doing things
Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder
Tiberius, out of breath: HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!!!
~~~~~
Percy: I wasn't "trauma dumping" I was telling you my lore
(Omg I'm stealing that now)
~~~~~
Vex: Birds are truly the epitome of self care. Do you see how much time they spend grooming themselves? How many times a day they go get snacks? How often they scream at nothing just to let out an emotion we cannot understand? Inspiring.
~~~~~
Vex: okay, that's enough! No more talking about Pike!
Scanlan: but you told me to get it out of my system!
Vex: I didn't know how much was in your system!
~~~~~
Scanlan: my pronouns are they/she
Scanlan: they/she me rollin' they hatin'
~~~~~
Scanlan: have you tried yelling?
Grog: I have no idea what you're referring to but of course I've tried yelling.
~~~~~
YOU ARE READING
Vox Machina Incorrect Quotes
FanfictionWill have references to both the 1st campaign and the cartoon. There will be some spoilers (tho I do try to avoid it, especially MAJOR spoilers)
