Vox Machina Incorrect Quotes

Can you tell I have a few blorbos?

Vex: oh quit being dramatic, it's just a foot of snow
Scanlan: WELL SOME OF US ARE ONLY 4 FUCKING FEET TALL
Pike, sitting on Grog's shoulder: Grog can carry you, remember?
Scanlan, being stubborn: no, I'll walk *continues to grumble as he trudges forward being waist deep in snow*

~~~~~

Keyleth: I'm strong! I beat Percy at arm wrestling!
Pike: Anyone can beat Percy at arm wrestling!
Percy: Hey—!

(To be fair tho, outside of his guns, he doesn't have much going for him in terms of strength)
(I only call him "one of the strongest members of Vox Machina" bc his guns are a force to be reckoned with and he always seems to get a bunch of nat 20's)
(Except when he doesn't)
(Oh, Percival de Rolo my beloved 💜)

~~~~~

Scanlan: When I get murdered, can you make sure I become an unsolved case?
Pike: wHat?
Scanlan: I want to be on Buzzfeed Unsolved.
Pike: Can we go back to the part when you said "when I get murdered"?

(Pros of being a Bard: you can talk your way out of almost any situation)
(Cons of being a Bard: you can talk your way into almost any situation—including really deadly ones)

~~~~~

Vex: When's the last time you slept?
Percy: Uh... a few days ago, I think.
Vex: A few—how many?!
Percy: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...
Vex: What you need is sleep!

~~~~~

Vex: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?
Pike: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so I said "Scanlan, deer!"
Vex: ...And what did Scanlan do?
Pike: ...he said "Yes, Honey?"

(Okay, who keeps letting Scanlan drive?)
(This is the second time he's crashed a car in this incorrect quotes book)
(That I remember)

~~~~~

Scanlan: I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back.
Pike: Why are you telling me this, I don't care.
Pike, right after Scanlan leaves the room: I miss him already.

~~~~~

Grog: Rules were made to be broken.
Percy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Scanlan: Uh, piñatas.
Keyleth: Glow sticks.
Pike: Karate boards.
Vex: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Grog: Rules.
Percy:

~~~~~

Grog: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don't have to pay the delivery fee multiple times.
Vax: I hope you understand how food poisoning works.
Grog: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger i couldn't eat.

(To be fair, eating leftovers over the span of a week isn't too bad)
(However, any longer than 2 weeks, then it's best to throw it out)
(Of course, there are SOME exceptions)
(But generally, a 2-week period is pretty okay I think)

~~~~~

Percy: Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs."

~~~~~

Pike: Damn, the power went out.
Scanlan: Don't worry, I got this.
Scanlan: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*
Pike: What—?
Scanlan: I swallowed a glow stick!
Pike, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU—

~~~~~

Percy, to Grog: You have room temperature IQ.
Grog: What's room temperature IQ?
Vax: 73°F
Grog: Oh, okay.
Grog: How much is that in IQ?

~~~~~

Scanlan: *coughs blood*
Vax: Don't die, Scanlan!
Scanlan: Don't tell me what to do!

~~~~~

Percy: Is that my gun?!
Scanlan: It's not what it looks like!
Percy: It looks like it's my gun!
Scanlan: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like, but in my defense, it doesn't have anymore bullets, so I technically can't shoot it anymore.
Percy: ...ANYMORE?!

~~~~~

Keyleth, trying her first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!
Percy, an avid coffee drinker, on his twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.

(Tag yourself, I'm Percy)

~~~~~

Scanlan/Pike: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

(Some of my favorite visual gags are seeing Pike/Scanlan conversing with a literal 5yo, and being the same height as this small child)
(And some of my other favorite visual gags are whenever Scanlan's flirting with someone—namely in a tavern—and he literally has to stand on a table to be eye-to-eye with them)
(Like, height difference—or lack thereof—is such an amazing visual to me)
(Like, I go FERAL for height differences)
(Regardless if it's used in a romantic light, or as a funny visual gag)

~~~~~

Scanlan meeting Grog
Scanlan: You... you saved me. You're not a beast at all. YOU'RE A HERO, AN UGLY UGLY UGLY HERO!
Grog: Call me ugly again, and maybe I will eat you.

~~~~~

Grog: You call it "really bad at darts", I call it "freestyle acupuncture."
Bartender: ...I'm going to have to ask you to leave the bar.

~~~~~

Responses to getting stabbed with a sword
Scanlan: *scoffs* RUDE
Percy: yeah, that's fair
Keyleth: oh, not again!
Grog: are you gonna want this back or can I keep it?

~~~~~

Scanlan, to Percy: fight me, you ceramic bitch!

~~~~~

Percy: I'm the living embodiment of "it could be worse"

(I mean...yeah)

~~~~~

Keyleth: I'm about as intimidating as a butterfly

~~~~~

Keyleth: I'm just a humble trash can trying to roll my way through life

(DAMMIT IF I KNEW MY SCHOOL DID SENIOR QUOTES I WOULDVE PUT THIS AS MY SENIOR QUOTE)
(GODDAMMIT)

~~~~~

Percy: come for the accent, stay for the existential crisis

~~~~~

Scanlan: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Percy, not looking up from his book: Myxine Circifrons
Scanlan:
Scanlan: a fsh

~~~~~

Allura, about Kima: my girlfriend just said "there's bigger fish to fight", which is objectively a much better idiom
Allura: and it also makes me so much more concerned for her well being

(I never knew that "quiet magical lesbian" x "punch first ask questions later lesbian" was a dynamic I needed or wanted)
(But I fucking LOVE it)