Twisted

13: Deji Vu

Zayyad

She's gone.

I stand here, staring at nothing in particular and it is as if the bubble I was in a few seconds ago has now burst, and her absence can now allow me reason properly. What the hell was I thinking letting her go like that and cheesing while at it? No accountability? No real conversation? And I tried to kiss her on top!

What is wrong with me?

I let her render me brainless and it's making me cringe so badly, I desperately need this ground to open up and swallow me because my initial plan was to ask her to leave, but then... maybe it was how she looked at me or how she spoke so softly, or how tensed she was... or just her presence, I don't know which it was, but all the anger I walked out of the bathroom with disappeared the moment I saw her face.

It's absurd! I don't know what happened here a few seconds ago but it felt like I was bewitched.

Oh, please!

No, I'm serious.

All these years, I told myself if she dared come an inch near me, I'll push her so hard she'd break her spinal cord, and if she was heading right, I'd gladly go left, and if she was going by air, I'd go by sea, even if I had to paddle a boat... I swore I hated her and if she cried a bucket filled with tears, I'd want it to be a barrel instead; I had assembled myself never to forgive her but like they say: 'it's easier said than done'.

As much as my adrenaline was running high when she was here a few minutes ago, I hope we don't cross paths again... yes, I'd objected to these words earlier but I agree now because it seems like she has this hold on me, and maybe... just maybe it's because a part of my brain recognizes her as my haven. My oasis. My happiness. My remedy... the drug for my euphoria.

I walk away from the door and take a seat on the edge of the bed, a notification pops up on my phone and speak of the devil, it's an Instagram message from her:

thebeverlyalakija
I'll never be sorry enough but I do hope you forgive me.

I don't know what to feel as I read the message and even worse, I don't know how to reply.

My thumb hovers around the keypad for a few seconds before I begin to mindlessly type: It's fine, it's in the pa... I stop halfway and delete the message.

I'm a sole believer in forgiveness, but what happened is not fine and will never be fine. I don't know but it caused so much hurt, I can barely find a proper reaction till date, and that's because I had expectations. I had trusted and loved her so much, it didn't make sense why she did that to me of all people, and as bad as it sounds, I'm still stuck on what was and would have been if we didn't split.

Would I have been in a house raising our kid? Would we have been married? Maybe more in love? Expecting another child? No relapsing?

It kills me that a few minutes of her presence and absence has me rethinking my life. She is the reason I hate this city... do you know how much power a person has to have over you for that to happen? It's dangerous... but I can't avoid this city.

Who am I kidding? This is one of the cities that rakes in the juiciest revenue for my company every year, and since my guts can't stand it, I think it's time I discuss with the board about putting Deji in charge of Zumar headquarters, so I don't have to come down here again.