Beneath Shadows and Secrets

♔ 𝕱𝔬𝔯𝔱𝔶 - 𝕾𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔫 ♔

He rendered me weak and useless. He made me reliant on him, even when I did not wish to be. He took everything from me, and I was ready to give him more because he held my life in his hand. And again, he still threatens me with it. He still controls me. He lords Sloan's death over my head, forcing me to feel the guilt, as if his actions were consequences of mine. As though I could have stopped it.

He threatens the Court that offered me respite, and threatens to sweep away the small ounce of peace I have found here by spilling the secret of my existence to all those who already hate me.

He always seems to have the upper hand, and standing before him, even with the power of myself and my company, I forgot what I have made myself. I only remembered what he made me. Weak.

I could not kill him. Not then. How will I know if I can kill him ever?

"What did he mean, when he said you wore the flower of Abutilon?" Tynan presses softly.

Tears press against the back of my eyes, burning my vision as I stare up at him. I cannot answer. So I do what I do best; I run.

♔

I do not expect to be alone for long, and I am right. It is only a few minutes until Calix enters my room. Without knocking, but I do not expect anything else.

He has sent Tynan away, but I do not know if that is a blessing or a curse. Tynan, for as much as he annoys me, would have acted as a perfect buffer. Now, it is only Calix and I, and I do not think I am ready for the conversation that is sure to come.

"Can I not have one evening alone?" I sigh, pushing my hair behind my ears. Libitina's ears. My fingers skim over their soft curve. The way mine used to be.

"No." He answers resolutely, closing the door behind him. My eyes flutter shut, fingers lingering at the side of my head. My hand drops into my lap with a smack that fractures the silence of this room. "We need to talk about what was going through your head when you saw Zaire."

"I am tired of talking about my feelings," I mutter, lifting my head to look at the ceiling. "We only ever discuss the terrible ones that make me feel vulnerable."

"Because they are important." He tries to explain, and I can already tell his patience with me is waning. I do not care; I do not want to be vulnerable right now. I do not want to be reminded of how fragile I felt opposite Zaire. I want to forget it all.

"There are other feelings that are just as important, which we seem to work tirelessly to avoid." I rise to my feet, turning to look at him. As though still not having adjusted to the fact I stand opposite him as Libitina, his gaze explores me. Searching for imperfections or tells that I am not the demon, but he will find nothing. I spent days studying her. The structure of her face, the intricacy of her tattoos, the exact shade of her skin and eyes and hair. He will not find anything.

"And you do not wish to avoid them now, is that it? You would rather use them as a method of deflection?" I try not to bite at that, the way he baits me.

I take a step towards him. "I would rather be in control for once, because it seems no matter how hard I try, I never manage to be."

He lifts a brow. "Being dominated in any sense is not my speciality."

"Then maybe we should both be forced to endure something uncomfortable." His tongue rolls over his front teeth, as though keeping himself from spitting a retort. His eyes dance over my face again. "How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"You knew it was me, even before Zaire. How?"

I grow heated under the intensity of his stare. "I know you, better than you think I do."