Intertwined

Chapter 11

I walk over to Lauren who is smiling the best she can to bring me ease but it doesn't. It just makes me want to cry. Even in this moment when she could die, she is still worrying about others. "Hey" Her raspy, weak voice says.

"Hi. How are you feeling?" I ask trying my best not to show my underlying emotions. "I feel fine. I'm just tired and I feel kinda sick but that's a side affect from these liquids they are putting into me. How are you?" she replies.

"I'm okay. Just worried about you."

"Don't be. I'm fine. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah but I can't help but feel sorta guilty."

"Why? None of this is your fault, you know."

"It is. I should've noticed. I was so oblivious to what was happening to you. I honestly thought you were getting better. I never noticed how bad this had gotten or how much skinnier you had gotten. I should've noticed, all of this could have been avoided." My voice cracks as I finish my sentence. Lauren shakes her head and looks down at her lap. "Camila, this couldn't have been avoided. No matter what you could have done, it was unpreventable. My eating habits have always been fucked up. I was either starving or over-eating. One day a couple years ago I felt my heart doing stuff that freaked me out. It kept skipping beats and I'd have to take a moment to catch my breath when it did that. Sometimes, when I would be laying down in bed, I'd feel like a zombie. I'd feel dead and it scared me how my heart went slower than it should. This started long before you were in my life, Camila. It just got worse over the years. You DID help. If you hadn't secretly scheduled that appointment, I would have dropped dead in a couple more months. You have no reason to feel guilty Camz. You basically saved me...again. So quit standing there and blaming yourself, come here and give me a hug." In that moment, right there and then, I felt my heart swell. I could feel myself falling harder than ever before for Lauren. I basically run over to her and fall delicately into her tight embrace. Her bony arms wrap around me with such intimacy that I feel the emotional warmth radiating off of her. I could feel the faint heart beat coming from her chest that is so closely pressed up against mine. Although her skin is cold, her bones jutting out, and that sick look on her, she still had on that smile. That beautiful, beautiful smile. Her happiness was growing, I could feel it because her eyes had that light in them. I don't know how to explain it but I just knew that she had a light shining in her mind. That darkness that overtakes her mind is breaking due to that small spark of happiness. We let go of one another and Lauren averted her eyes back down to her hands that were sitting on her lap. I go get the chair that's in the corner of the room and place it next to Lauren's bed. I sit down and watch as she twiddles her thumbs. The room in silent for a moment until I see her head snap up to look up at me. "Have you called the girls?"

Oh crap. I totally forgot. "No, but I'll call them right now. Do you want me to call your parents as well or do you wanna wait?"

Lauren just shrugs her shoulders. I stand up and make my way outside.

~

Lauren's POV

"Okay! I have called the girls and told them what is going on. I also called your parents. Unfortunately, their bosses won't let them come until Friday. They will come and spend the weekend here and then leave on Monday. Their bosses are totally cheap butt faces, I swear." Camila comes ranting back into the room.

"And how did everyone handle everything?" I ask once she finishes. Her eyes flash an emotion I can't make out and then she quickly covers it up with a small smile. "They took it sort of well."

"Camila tell me the truth. We both know sort of means not. What did they say?" I say more directly.

"Well I called Normani and she started panicking and asking me a lot of questions but I told her that I'd tell her once she and the girls arrive. It took her a couple minutes to calm down. Your dad was basically freaking out and getting pissed off because he really wants to fly out again but both his and you mom's bosses are being butt faces, as I explained earlier. He had to take several minutes to gain his composure and take in all the information I was giving him on why you are here. I just told him about your eating disorder, nothing else. Everything else is for you to tell them when you are ready." Camila says with a hint of sadness in her eyes.

"Oh, alright. Thank you...for being honest with me." The sadness and shamefulness is clear in my voice. I am so disappointed that I'm the reason I am causing all these people this distress.

I feel Camila's hand on my shoulder. "Lauren, it's okay. It'll all be okay. None of this is for you to blame on your fault." I just quietly nod and lay back down on my hospital bed. I roll onto my side so that my back is facing Camila. I hear her sigh, "I'll go get you and I some food from the cafeteria down stairs." Her footsteps soon disappear as she walks out of my room.

I'm beginning to face a new reality. A reality I, myself, have adjusted myself to. I have become so numb lately. Numb to emotions, although sometimes I still feel the very strong ones. I am numb to the pain of my blade in my skin. Numb to hunger or thirst. Numb to the world around me....

It is sometimes difficult to understand this reality but it is what has become the outcome to my actions. Over the past few years I have often found myself wishing to die yet be alive to still have the world around me and only be able to experience the pleasures of life. I have only wished death upon myself because I am unhappy. My wish came true but things have been altered to fit my reality. I am no longer living. I am a skeleton with skin on. I cannot feel the pain, yet I still strongly feel remorse and a deep depression on many occasions. I do not experience much other emotions. I can see the world around me and what is happening but I am not able to experience these things first hand because I have taken the back seat of my brain. I am imprisoned in my mind and someone else is living in my body. It is me but I have no control. It's hard to explain but that is the only form I can put it.

I will not be able to live until I take control of the wheel and begin to drive down the path I want to go. And I'm not sure if the path to recovery is the path I want to go down at this moment.