Die for You

Chapter 52

"That's an interesting observation, Freen, and most unlike you if you don't mind me saying. Did Becky tell you that by any chance?"

"No," I defended myself, before deciding to come clean. "It was something my mum said on one of her tapes, she said I tend to hold onto things. Though she said it was mostly grudges when I was growing up."

"She told you that?"

"Yeah, gave me a bollocking from beyond the grave. Bec thought it was funny, she said mum was right, that it was just like me."

"Becky knows you well, how are the nightmares right now? Have they got worse since you saw the tapes by any chance?"

I thought about it for a second before shaking my head, I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a nightmare. I certainly didn't remember the last time I'd woken up screaming anyway.

"I think your mind may be forgiving you, Freen," she said when I confessed my ignorance of the very thing that sent me here.

"I think it's Becky," I said honestly causing her to raise an eyebrow. "I don't think I've had a nightmare since we, well, since we..."

"Started sleeping together," Joanna finished for me. I simply nodded in reply.

"Well, we have discussed this before I think, Becky's ability to bring you out of the pain, is that what you think is happening?"

"Maybe," I admitted. She was right, we had discussed it over our time; the fact that it had been Becky's voice that had twice dragged me from the nightmare, that it had been her touch that took away the pain.

"Well, I think there's more to it than just that. I think you've been making real progress yourself as I've said; massive progress, in fact." She paused for a second as if thinking and then leaned forward to stare at me before speaking again. 

"If you think you're ready to, Freen, I'd like you to take another step towards dealing with your past."

"What's that?" I asked, a ball of ice forming in my stomach; a ball of ice that steadily turned into a glacier as she explained what she'd like me to do. Just like the last time, when she'd asked me to go and confess my feelings to Becky, the thought of her little project filled me with dread but she was right, it was long past time to do what needed to be done.

-----

"Are you sure you want to do this, Freenky?" Becky asked as I climbed into the passenger seat of the Range Rover she had commandeered for us once again.

"No," I admitted, "not at all. But then I wasn't sure the last time she gave me 'homework' either, remember?"

"Yeah," she said clicking her seatbelt in place firmly, adjusting the shoulder strap until it was comfortable. "But that worked out pretty well." Her hand snaked across the centre console and touched my arm, the fingers squeezing gently. "At least I thought it worked out pretty well... we can stop any time you want to, you know, any time at all, you don't have to do this if you think you're not ready."

"Yeah, I know," I said starting the engine and putting the car into gear. "She's right though, this is something I need to do. I need to deal with my past and stop putting things off because they're hard to do. I'm glad you're with me though, Bec, I'm not sure I could do it without you."

"Sure you could," she said smiling as we pulled out into the early morning traffic, "you're my big brave CPO."

I grinned despite myself and flicked on the car's music player, Becky's choice of music filling the car as I drove out towards Enfield and the M25. An hour later, we were pulling up in the car park of our destination. Becky continuing her singing, this time to my choice of songs. It didn't seem to matter that she didn't actually know any of the words, she just seemed happy to sing along. It was fun and it took me away from the reality of what I was about to do, if only for a little while.