𝑶𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒇 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒄𝒉

.3

you would think all this protection would calm my nerves, dead wrong.

throughout the days and weeks, the feeling of paranoia never left my body. every window that I passed by managed to give me chills, I was starting to think I was sick but there was no way.

being curious and hungry can make you immune to things, I swear.

anyways, I keep getting a reoccurring feeling as if reporting to the police wasn't a good idea. It felt like whoever controlled the list, knew who I was. I mean the money was nice and the gun is awesome, but is it really worth this paranoia.

it has come to this point.

my body sat on the bed cushioning me and the never ending chills ran down my arms. every gut sensation kept telling me to never open the door. It was my own home, watched by police.

why am I so, scared?

the cold room made it harder to move as I gripped my body close, hoping for closure or protection. I didn't even know what I needed anymore. I kept looking back and forth at the window, to the door, to the gun on my bedside table. it was loaded, I knew since I couldn't help but check it anxiously.

'what if the owner of the list found out my location and is on the way right now. why in hell would I go in a random website without a vpn or something. I use vpn on illegal websites for south park, why not a fucking hit list?!"

every creek of the somewhat old dorm made me flinch as the quiet noise slowly transitioned into white noise. it was almost like static and my eyes kept darting from every corner of the place. the grip on my arms tightened, leaving crescent like marks on my skin.

everything seemed to get loud despite there being no noise at all. it was all screaming in my ears and it felt like it went on and on. I would have moved to cover my ears but I knew that would do nothing. it would have been worthless, anything I would do would be worthless so why try?

the pain however was invisible, I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel the cold air nipping at my skin, the tightness of my throat that restricted my air, my nails digging into my flesh, my head becoming heavier at the second, the burning tears resurfacing my eyes, the dryness of my throat from the lack of water, the feeling of my stomach eating itself out of hunger, the overall dizziness, everything was tuned out.

I needed a distraction, that's if I can even get out of bed. finally, after what felt like forever, the nerves in my flesh finally reacted to the burning sensation that has been calling out to me.

my hands stop and slip down to my sides. the coldness of the room was outnumbered by the warm liquid running down my arms. the stickiness on my hands and the taste of metal in my mouth. my tongue grazed my lip, a stinging sensation shot through me.

I didn't even realize I was biting my lip. my jaw unclenched itself and my aching body was finally able to relax. it was as if whatever was moderating me, left.