Have you ever felt alone even though you were surrounded by people?
That is what happens when you lose the people that used to orientate your senses. Minho used to be Jisung's compass, but that didn't last.
This is the story of a very anxious Jisung...
Jisung had been dealing with this nascent hope pretty well, and he was proud of it. The older was still the same, still flirty and overly handsome, but Jisung tried as much as he could to keep his feet on earth. Everytime he felt the hope growing on him, he remembered what he said about never having been attracted to a man, and he felt better. Actually he didn't, it hurt him, but at least, the hope wasn't growing, and he prefered it like that.
He prefered rejection, even indirectly, than being led on. Imagine if he just started having hope, and fantasizing even more on what a relationship with the older could be, just to be rejected later, how painful would it be ? He didn't want to know, staying in the dark was safer.
So the week went on nicely, he struggled a bit with his own mind, but he accepted the new confession and has moved forward with it. He also struggled to not show Felix his new concern. Minho had said he didn't want Felix to know now, and Jisung respected it. He wouldn't tell a soul. But he was just scared that his feelings were going to go out of hands, and that Felix would know what happened.
The next Friday, Jisung was impatiently waiting for Minho while Felix was doing his homeworks. Even if he told himself to not expect anything from Minho, he was a bit more happy than he used to be when he could be with him. It was unconscious, but still there.
Minho
that bitch never stops talking
That's her job tho
what a cruel job
i hate math
poor boy
i know right
i need comfort
how?
selfie
you want a selfie? what's wrong w you lately
come ooon
Jisung went beside Felix, taking a picture with him out of nowhere. Felix was confused but didn't mind, going back to his homeworks.
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nice
feel better now
i have good news btw
i'll tell you when i arrive there
I'll wait then
Jisung was screaming internally.
The fact that his crush was always asking for a selfie was making his heart do roller coasters. Why would he ask that? Was Jisung pretty in Minho's eyes?
He also was curious about what these 'good news' were. He almost had a bad feeling coming from it, but he scooted it away. He sat down with Felix, working on his own homeworks, trying to distract his mind from the older boy, who already took too much of his thoughts.
___
When Minho arrived, he was strangely excited. When Jisung opened the door, he saw the boy with a big grin on his face, entering and taking his shoes off in one or two motions, then running to the couch and throwing himself on it, nuzzling his face on one of the pillows
"The fuck?" Felix said, narrowing his eyes at Minho's unusual behavior
"I'm going through a crisis" Minho answered, his voice muffled by the pillow he had his face over. Jisung chuckled and sat down, ready to listen to him. Felix crossed his legs and put his head on his hand, it was his gossip posture.
"Tell us" Jisung said and Minho sat up on the couch.
"Okay... so" He started, humming "There's this new girl in my class" He started.
Jisung felt his hands go sweaty, that wasn't a good start, not at all.
"She arrived like last week or so, and she's excessively pretty" Minho said, insisting on the 'excessively' part. Jisung's stomach started to hurt, he was pretty sure of what was going to be said, and he liked none of it.
"Her name is Miyeon, I don't know if y'all heard about her"
"Oh I did actually, she really is pretty" Felix said, trying to act as if he was interested by Minho's words, and not completely worried over Jisung's mental state. Jisung just shrugged.
He felt all the confidence he had built lately fall down as he heard the two boys compliment her. He felt ugly, disgusting, horrendous. There was no way Jisung could compete with an 'excessively' good looking girl.
"And I may or may not have developed a small crush on her" Minho added, not looking at the boys, all flustered.
Felix clapped, actually surprised to know Minho could have a crush on someone.
Jisung, on the other hand, felt his whole world crawl down. He felt as if knives were penetrating his belly repeatedly. He put on the fakest smile he had ever worn, and clapped along with Felix.
"Isn't that your first crush ever?" Jisung asked, his voice resembling more a whisper than a talk.
"Yeah, I wasn't expecting it either" He said "But anyways, today she sat down beside me, and we actually got along. We talked all day long, and I had her number, she even asked me for it"
"Nice, let's celebrate with food" Jisung said, standing up and walking quickly to the kitchen.
He needed a way out of this conversation, it was destroying him.
Minho looked so happy having a crush on the girl, it hurt him way more than he would have thought.
Jisung has been loving him for a long time, and he knew that someday Minho would like someone else, and that it would hurt. He thought that he was ready for that, ready to let go of his fantasy and to crush his hopes one for all. But no. Nothing could have prepared him from the void he felt at the moment.
He felt unloved, left aside, his confidence crashed down, everything was hurting, his mind and body.
He didn't cry, he couldn't with the two boys there. He pushed it aside and decided to go through the evening while faking every single emotion.
Felix noticed, but didn't say anything. He discreetly tried to give some physical affection to Jisung, cuddling him a bit more than usual so it would go unnoticed by the older.
Jisung was torn.
When the clock hit 11, they would have usually been watching a movie and laughing about it, but Minho was surprised to see the squirrel boy already fast asleep on his lap. He didn't think more of it, slowly falling asleep too on the huge couch.
But Jisung wasn't sleeping. He was faking it so he didn't have to be fully present. His heart hurt and he wanted to be by himself. He let himself drown in his bubble and let his thoughts run wild. He didn't sleep much, he couldn't.
The next morning, Jisung was happy to see the two boys leaving early. The second they left, he ran to his room, and cried there. The whole day, tears sputtered out of his eyes uncontrollably.
That was the first time he was experiencing heartache, and he wasn't bearing with it at all.
