Die for You

Chapter 33

"I'm that obvious, am I?"

"Only to me, I'd imagine. But it is obvious to me that you're worried about something, and the logical assumption at the moment is that it's Rebecca. Have things not been going well between the two of you?"

I slumped back into my chair stretching out my feet and placing my newly bought trainers onto the glass table that was between us. "Everything is fine," I replied eventually, "I just don't like the fact that she's at work and I'm not around to keep an eye on her."

"Personally or professionally?" she asked, as usual pulling no punches with me.

"Probably a bit of both," I admitted, knowing that this was the best thing to do with her. "But mostly professionally right now."

"Would you care to elaborate on that?" she asked, leaning forwards suddenly acting less casual, moving into the 'therapist' role she sometimes played to let me know that we weren't just chatting anymore. I respected her for that, it gave me a chance to prepare, and ready mydefenses just in case. It didn't always work, but it was at least an opportunity.

"It's just something I feel, I've always had it. Amy, that's my ex," I explained, "I used to get this feeling, like if I wasn't there with my boys in the army, that someone would get hurt, or that someone would die. If I was there then I could control it, you know? I could make sure that nothing went wrong."

There was a pause as Joanna looked across at me, then...

"and you're feeling that now, is that right?"

"Yeah," I admitted both to her and myself. "I'm feeling that now."

"Why?"

"Because," I answered, knowing that it wouldn't be enough. I paused for a second before continuing.

"Just because Joanna, because Becky's safety is my responsibility. Because it's my job to keep her alive and well and most of all safe. Because it was my job to keep my boys alive and well andfucking safe and because I fucked that up, didn't I? Whitey died because I took my eye off the ball, we got hit by the fucking Taliban in Grishk because I didn't recommend a flyover by the Apache's. Even my mum got ill because I was being a fucking bitch to her for so long it brought her to her knees.

It's always because. Isn't it? I've fucked up so many times in my life and so many people have got hurt or died as a result, I don't want that to happen again. It's down to me to keep her safe; I don't want to get her killed because I'm on a fucking jolly around London while she's in danger;especially not now."

"Freen," Joanna said softly, "I really think we need to examine that a little. Are you saying the deaths of all your friends was your fault because of something you did or didn't do?"

"Well, who else's fault could it have been?" I asked in reply. "I told you, it was my responsibility to keep them safe. If I'd have done my job properly, we wouldn't have been attacked, they'd all be alive and I'd still be in the army, not slumming it as a civvy."

"Freen, tell me, do you believe in fate? In chance? In sheer bloody destiny?"

"No, Joanna I don't. I believe in people. I believe in training and I believe in doing things right first time, every time, and I didn't do that."

Joanna stared at me and smiled wryly, a familiar face to me by now. When she steepled her fingers again, I knew we were going to start looking deeper into my thought process. It wasn't something I was going to enjoy, I knew that.

"Ok, Freen," she started, her voice low and soft. "I think it's time for you to relax and properly examine these thoughts. I'd like you to breathe with me and listen to my voice. I'd like us to go back to your safe place and I'd like us to talk about the events you mentioned in a calm and relaxed way; can we do that?"