Lucian

Chapter 29

[Madelyn]

I blink, adjusting my eyes to the darkness around me. Where am I? I remember being home and then Lucian picked me up and now- oh right. I turn me head to the side and look at the sleeping man next to me. His eyes are closed and his lips parted- his hair is more relaxed and he just looks..at peace. I smile, knowing this is all mine to see. I bring up my hand and brush a strand of hair away from his face. His eyes suddenly flicker open and I gasp when he catches my wrist and pins it to the bed. I yelp and he comes over me, grabbing my other wrist too and pinning them both to the bed with one hand and wraps his other hand around my throat.

"Lucian-" his nostrils flare and his eyes are rigid. "Lucian it's me..." I nearly choke. He isn't himself, he's still not aware of what is happening. I can't breathe... "Lucian-" I rasp out and try to manage my breaths. "You're hurting me." My eyes begin to water and my vision starts to blacken. I'm not getting enough air...oh god. "Please.." it's like he snaps back into realization. His eyes grow confused and then they widen when he realizes that he's choking me. His hands immediately let go of me and I inhale precious air. Breathe.

"Cazzo, Madelyn- I'm sorry I-" he sounds like he's at a loss for words and runs his hands through his hair. My lips tremble. Calm down. When I get enough strength back, I sit up and look at him. He's panicking. His eyes are wide and his chest is heaving.

"Lucian, breathe." I whisper but he doesn't seem to hear me.  I'm not even sure if he's the only one that needs to breathe because I'm barely doing so myself. God my heart's beating fast. I look at him. It's like he's here but his head is somewhere else. What is he thinking about that's making him act like this? "Lucian." I say and my voice rasps a little from the impact of his harsh hands around my neck. He looks at me, meets my eyes and my heart cracks.

I swallow the lump in my throat and extend my arms for him. My hands shake and I pray he doesn't notice. He hesitates for only a moment before walking into my arms and allows me to wrap my arms around him. I make room for him to sit down in front of me and he does, letting his head fall to my chest. His shoulders are tense, his whole body is. I run my hands down his arms and he relaxes, just a bit. A tear slips from my eye and I make sure to wipe it away. My whole body is shaking- why? I don't know.

"You know, when we were younger and I was sad- I remember you comforting me like this." I try to change the subject but his only reaction is an exhale. I continue, "I remember better now. You were my friend, Lucian. We ate lunch together, laughed together, stood up for each other. God I miss that." And I really do.

"You are scared of me." He says and the words make me stop breathing for a second. I open my mouth to tell him no but my voice dies somewhere in my throat and I close my mouth. "Your heart will not calm down." Press my lips together to stop them from trembling. My heart? I'm not scared...am I? The long silence makes him lift his head and shrug away my hands around him. They drop to the sheet and mg arms have never felt more useless.

"I'm not scared, j-just surprised." And that is the truth. His face morphs into guilt but then he blinks and it's all gone. "Lucian it's not your fault, you didn't know." I get up from the bed and take a step towards him. He takes one back and my heart drops but I hide it from my face.

"I am sorry, Madelyn. I have some work I should get done before tomorrow." His words have a clipped edge to them. He makes a move to go to the door.

"Talk to me." I beg, he stops. "Please." He seems hesitant but doesn't try to walk away from me.

"I had a bad dream and thought you were someone you clearly were not. I was mistaken, I am sorry for..that." His eyes flicker to my throat and he winces- or maybe I imagined it.

"Does it happen often? Your bad dreams, I mean." I ask and he stares at me for a moment, thinking. Then he nods, once. My heart aches at his face expression. He looks just like he did when he was little, with that look. He used to have it all the time. Like he was thinking and zoning out but at the same time it pained him to do so. I frown.

"You should go back to sleep, I have work to do." My frown deepens.

"I'm not going to sleep unless you're right next to me. Don't go." My hand itches with the need to touch him, so I form it into a hard fist and hide it behind my back. He's beating himself up for waking up like that- hurting me, barely. I survived, it wasn't anything serious. But I can tell that he doesn't forgive himself. "Please, stay with me." His eyes flicker to me before going back to the floor. This is his bed, his room, his goddamn building. If he doesn't want to sleep in here because he's afraid he'll accidentally hurt me again then I'm the one leaving, not him.

He walks to the bed and doesn't say a word as he slips back under the covers. I follow him with my eyes before I lie down next to him, my back facing him. "Thank you." I whisper and bring the cover up to my chin. The bed dips on his side as he adjusts.

"You don't have to tell me it you don't want to but...what was the dream about?" My voice is gentle when I speak and I hear him sigh through his nose like he's preparing to tell me something heavy. A lump forms in my throat as I wait for his words to spill.