Then They Healed

Jouska

My feelings leave me lonely if I think too much
But thinking is the only thing that my mind can touch
So when I sit down to consume more media than I care to admit
I talk with myself in my head as I sit
And again, I am hit with a feeling that I'm wasting my time
When there is not enough
I ask if what I'm doing is worth it
When nobody knows
So, I take it all in to share my experiences with others
Though nobody shares what truly bothers
Or maybe I tell myself that to feel better
So I berate myself
That it's all about me
Me, me and me
When I can't remember the things that I've already seen
So how can I judge
I feel unconnected
Away from the call
Not enough time to reconnect with it all
I fumble
I worry
I cripple my mind
I ask
What if I am forgotten with passing of time
Then I second guess it and wonder why it is that I care
Do I thrive only off of others
Do they seek of me?
I don't lay at night and think of this feeling for the sake of anybody but me
Me, me and me
So hypothetical, so narcissistic
Maybe I would get it if I wasn't so hypocritic
And when I'm finally done with all of these thoughts
The times already gone with the hands of the clock
Did I enjoy what I did
Would I know I did not
I lay in my bed and dream of not sleeping
While all of my life
I fumble
I worry
I cripple my mind
I ask
Is there any better use of my time
Do I long to save others
Or share in their pain
Do I wish I was more
Do I miss out
Am I being vein
Is there's something out there to soak up this mess
Is all that I'm living for some unspoken test
Because I'm not even sure if I want to retire or fight for the grade
I don't really know if I care to get paid
I live for the love I get and more for the giving
But yet I'm unholy and full of only the pieces that I must be missing
Perhaps to heal, there is poetry in my lines of code
Or I'm hoping only that it will make it so my thoughts will never grow old
Still, I ponder if I'm wasting my time
Is there something out there that I was meant to be
While I tell myself calmly, this is my life
I say that as though it's not all that I ever wanted
I say that like to be home doesnt feel of fulfillment
But I have all of the things that I need
I tell myself only the things that I want and still find myself solely lost in my thought
I fumble
I worry
I cripple my mind
I ask
How can perfection feel so under-rated
How can free time feel so unfun
How can I worry that I'm not satiated
When I get everything that I want and still find some way to taint it
A lover
A living
A home
And my friends
Still, I'm so frustrated
I fumble
I worry
I cripple my mind
I ask
Am I only wasting my time
So then, when my eyes finally close and I drift off to sleep
I wake up to work and silently sting
I look at myself upside-down in my mirror
Am I ungrateful
Do I ask too much
Why is it so painful
To think I am enough?