Marianne Constancia
"G-Gusto kita, Yohan."
Papasok na sana kami ni Gwen sa classroom nang marinig naming umamin si Angel kay Yohan. Sa tapat pa talaga ng classroom namin at dahil rinig na rinig ang boses niya, mabilis na nagsilabasan ang mga kaklase ko, nangunguna syempre sina pres at Felicity.
"Si Angel ba 'yan?" nagtatakang tanong ni Gwen sa akin.
"I guess so," I just drew a deep sigh.
Parang ramdam ko ulit ang selos sa puso ko ngayon, sana pala umamin din ako, sana pala sinabi ko sa kanya na gusto ko siya, ayan tuloy naunahan ako.
I never thought of this emotion would have gone so far, I really thought this is just a simple infatuation but it's not, mas lalong lumalalim lamang ito at napagtanto kong the harder I fall the higher probability that I'd get hurt.
Hindi ko rin naman inaasahan na mangyayari ang ganito, I am not even worthy for Yohan Gonzales. I am not pretty like Angel, tanging talino't tiyaga lamang ang aking maipaglalaban.
"O-Okay ka lang, Marianne?" ani Gwen.
"Yes, I am so fine. Tara pasok na lang tayo sa room?" sambit ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa kanila. "Ah, mauna ka na lang pala, pupunta na muna ako ng comfort room, okay lang ba sa'yo, Gwen?" dagdag ko pang sambit.
"Oo naman, sige mauna na muna ako, Marianne." Saka naman niya ako nginitian at kaagad na nagtungo sa room namin.
Habang naglalakad ako, I can feel students are staring at me. I feel this heavy tension again when I was in junior high school, yung naramdaman ko noon nang ako ay pinagtitinginan nilang lahat, yung tipong gusto ko na lang tumakbo at umiyak.
I get nervous whenever someone stares at me. It feels like they are judging me even if they don't know me.
You know the feeling when you walk into a room and catch people looking at you. They're staring, right? And that's exactly how I feel right now.
"No, No!"
Dali-dali akong napatakbo sa kung saan ako dinadala ng mga paa ko, hindi ko na alam kung nasaan na talaga ako.
Every day, people stare at me. I don't get to take my scars off and forget about them. During my junior high school days, I always check myself to see how I am going to handle staring or comments.
Ang hirap ng naging karanasan ko noon. I don't want it to happen again. Tama nang nasaktan ako noon.
"Marianne Constancia,"
Isang boses ang narinig ko mula sa aking likuran. Hindi ko na magawang tingnan kung sino ito, basta ang alam ko, kusang lumalabas ang mga luha mula sa aking mata.
"Please, huwag kang lumapit!" pag-iyak ko.
"Hey, it's okay. It's me, Yohan Gonzales. Hindi mo ako dapat katakutan." Aniya.
"Y-Yohan? Why are you here?" tanong ko at agad na humarap sa kanya. Nahiya tuloy ako, this is the first time when a guy saw me crying. It's embarrassing.
"Heto, punasan mo 'yang mga luha mo."
Inabot niya sa aking ang kanyang panyo at kaagad kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko.
"Salamat, paano mo nalamang nandito ako?" tanong ko ulit.
"I saw you running at bigla ka na lang kumaripas ng takbo kung saan saan. I have no choice but to follow you. I am accountable, of course. Ako lang mag-isa ang nakakita sa'yo, alangan namang ipagsawalang bahala ko pa."
"Thank you, I'm sorry for crying. I'm so weak at napaiyak pa ako sa harapan mo."
"Crying doesn't mean you're weak." Taas kilay nitong sabi.
For me, crying is my only way of escaping from pain. I want to cry it all when I can't take the pain away. Crying is my only escape.
Crying was the only bridge to me for getting the medium of my happiness, crying became positive solace.
"Teka bakit mo ba ako kinakausap? Pagod ka na ba sa kanya at pumarito ka pa? Huwag mo akong gawing pampalipas oras mo, porket umamin siya sa'yo doesn't mean ako naman ang kakausapin mo, doon ka na nga sa Angel mo!"
"At bakit nagagalit ka na ngayon? Do I smell jealousy?"
"Anong jealousy? Kapal mo, Yohan Gonzales! Alam mo ba ang salitang iyan? Don't accuse mo of being jealous, sino naman ang pagseselosan ko?" I almost shouted at him but I still remained calm.
Napakurap-kurap ako at napatingin na lamang sa hawak kong panyo. I felt my cheeks are burning. Nakakahiya naman 'tong inasal ko.
"According to dictionary, to be jealous is to feel resentment, bitterness, or hostility toward someone because they have something that you don't. This feeling or the state of feeling this way is called jealousy. Jealous can describe someone who is feeling or is prone to jealousy." Mahabang paliwanag niya sa akin dahilan para mapaismid ako.
"No, researchers define jealousy as a threat to the relationship that comes from some kind of rival or external source, and for me it doesn't make sense. Sino nga naman ako para magselos, di ba?" Patuloy kong depensa sa kanya.
"I knew you'll gonna say that, paanong hindi mo sasabihin, e science major ka nga di ba?" aniya.
"Tsk, sabi pa nga nila mas bagay daw ang Filipino major sa English major." I just rolled my eyes.
"Sabi nila 'yon, hindi naman ako naniniwala sa mga sabi-sabi. I believe when my heart beats for that one, then she's the only one for me. Darating din sa puntong magmamahal ako and I want that first one to be my last."
"Oh? If that's the case, ang swerte niya naman."
"Well, she is very lucky." He smiled, for the very first time, nakita ko siyang ngumiti. Pure and so real.
"I regretted it," pabulong kong sambit.
"Don't regret it because that thing you're regretting now, soon it'll be a blessing in disguise."
"Ang talas ng pandinig mo no?" ani ko.
I bit my lip, anong klaseng tao ba itong kausap ko, does he have some kind of super powers? Rinig pati ang pagbulong ko.
"What if I told you, I like you? Anong magiging reaksiyon mo?"
"Then like me as much as you can, Marianne."
"What?" I blurted out dahilan para mapanganga na lang ako sa naging sagot niya. I don't even know what to feel and to react, magagalit ba ako o matatawa. This is insane.
I know that oxytocin and vasopressin is responsible for making me feel deeply attached to him but this isn't normal anymore. I think I am deeply falling for him so hard that it makes me go crazy to the point that there are repeated and prolonged occurrences of an irregular heartbeat of my heart. Alas, I am so in love with him.
