Losing you ; Joel Miller

vi. Daddy's little embarrassment

[1987]

     " Happy Birthday dear Eden, happy birthday to you!" A seven year old Eden peered over her large cake at the crowd of people surrounding her, large inquisitive eyes watching the adults she didn't know in fancy costumes and dresses.'" Go on sweetheart, blow out the candles, make a wish." Her mother gently coaxed, a warm smile on her cherry red lips.

     After cake, the kids scattered off to play. Eden silently sat by herself, petting her stuffed great white shark. She imagined what it would be like to meet an actual shark. Mikey, a boy at her party, said they were killers. Eden isn't sure if she believes him, maybe if Mikey just got to know one he would change his mind?

     Isaac, her older brother gave her a questioning glance as he walked up to her. " What are you doing here?" He asked, Eden shrugged, looking down at her shark again. He sat down next to her, observing her movements. " Do you want to be alone?"

     Eden shook her head, curly blonde pigtails bouncing around as she looked up at him. Isaac was 14, Eden thought that was a big number. She had asked him what it was like to be 14 once, he had answered that it was awesome.

     In Eden's eyes, Isaac was brave, not just because he wasn't afraid of the dark, he was kind to everyone, always loving and gentle. Eden looked up to her older brother more than anything else in the world. When she would skin her knee, he would blow the pain away and give her a plaster.

     Isaac was confident, talkative and smart. Eden was none of those. " I don't know anyone here" she had eventually said, voice softer than a whisper. Isaac gave her a sad smile, arm wrapping around her small shoulder as he swayed them side to side. " I know" he responded sympathetically, head leaning against hers. " Does it get better?" She said voice breaking as she gazed up at her brother's face.

He sighed, for just a second, his mask dropped and his eyes reflected her own, young, lonely, and terrified. " It always gets better, little sister," he mused, going back to his usual charismatic self.

[1990]

" She still doesn't speak! The therapist said that she would grow out of it" her father seethed, pacing his office as her mother leaned against his desk with her arms folded around her. " Just give her time darling-" cutting her mother off, her father stomped his foot. " No! She is 10 for Christ's sake, Matilda. How long are we going to have to put up with private tutors and therapy sessions for her to finally utter a fucking word!?"

     " Maybe putting her in school isn't a bad idea, then she'd meet some friends." Her father's face was so red, he looked like he was going to pop. " And embarrass myself like that?! What do you think people will say when they find out Howard Francis has a child that won't fucking speak!"

Eden gazed down at her white sundress and sandals, eyes prickling with tears. She stood hidden behind the door, only listening because she had been worried about her parents fighting. Forcing her legs to move, she ran to Isaacs room; finding comfort in her older brother.

When the tall boy opened the door, he found himself stumbling backwards. Eden had fallen into him, wrapping her arms around his waist as tears flowed freely down her face. " What is it, Eden?" He had asked worriedly, kneeling down to stare at her face. " I embarrass them." She cried, hiccuping as she tried to calm down. " Who? Mum and dad?"

She bobbed her head, her pouting lip quivering as she sniffled and looked down at her fingers. " Do I embarrass you?" She had then asked. Isaac just stared at her, his hazel eyes full of sorrow. He shook his head, face turning serious, " never."

[1993]

     " Ms. Francis?" Dr. Williams' head tilted, dark brown eyes inspecting the thirteen year old girl. " Hmm?" Eden hummed as she pulled her gaze away from the window, forcing her attention back to her therapist.

     " You trailed off there... would you like to continue outside?" She asked kindly, and Eden agreed.

     " So where were we..." Dr. Williams said as they sat down under a tree in her family's garden. " I was talking about my father," Eden mumbled out, eyes fixated on the North Pacific Ocean. " Yes, exactly," her therapist replied softly, the cool summer breeze welcoming under the July sun. Eden had been through more therapists than she could count, it often frustrated her, having redo the process over and over again because her father was never satisfied with her progress. He didn't understand that she needed time, he expected instant results.

     Dr. Williams was the first therapist Eden felt comfortable enough to talk around. It started small, a few words here and there, but soon it progressed into talking about books, the ocean, her fears and her doubts. Dr. Williams was different than the others, she allowed Eden to speak freely, sometimes they'd spend the whole therapy session talking about sharks and how Eden wanted to be a marine biologist in the future, while other times, like when Isaac had just moved out, they sat in silence.

" He thinks that I don't talk because I'm stubborn..." Eden muttered out, her lips pressed into a thin line as she looked over the water. " He used to think it was because I was stupid, I don't know what's worse."

" So... why don't you talk, Eden?" Dr. Williams felt it was a risky question, but decided to ask anyways. The girl went quiet, eyebrows furrowed in thought. " I don't know... sometimes I'm unable to, I get scared and can't talk."

" other times it's just easier to stay silent... but when I feel pressured to speak it's like I freeze up and nothing can come out." Eden sighed, looking down at her small hands to play with her fingers. " I feel like I'm being pressured to speak all the time, even if the person isn't actually pressuring me."

" Are you able to explain a little more?" Her therapist asked gently. " Well- like- if someone would walk up to me and talk to me, they aren't forcing me to talk, but my brain gets scared anyways and I... I don't know..." she huffed, shoulders slumping as she frowned.

" It's ok, I understand what you mean, thank you for sharing that with me."

Eden looked over at her, giving her a soft smile. She didn't know it at the time, but this would be her last therapy session with Dr. Williams.