State Of Grace

Chapter 24 - Nothing New

"Oh, my love," Lilah smiled back and wrapped her arms around the girl who felt like she had always been her daughter, "Thank you for telling us."

"Welcome to the club!" Stella reached out to hug Gracie too, but then stopped herself, "Oh, wait a minute!" She excitedly started digging through one of the junk drawers in the kitchen.

"No, Stella she doesn't need the-" Before Lilah could finish her sentence, Stella started waving around a great big pride flag.

Gracie started laughing, "Oh my God," she took the flag and wrapped it around her shoulders like a cape, "This is amazing."

"We bought a bunch of them for Pride last year, Danny has one in his room, so it's only right that you have one too," her mothers hugged her again.

"Thank you, moms," the word slipped out of her mouth so casually that it took them all by surprise. Both women teared up and pulled their daughter in for another hug.

When Gracie walked into her room, she went straight to her bed and stuck her new flag to the wall with thumbtacks. It was the first decoration she'd put up on the walls, her little corner of the room was starting to reflect who Gracie was. She had new tie-dyed sheets in pastel rainbow colors, a light wood bed frame, a painted lilac nightstand, and a pale yellow chest of drawers, on top of which, Gracie kept the makeup she got for her birthday and a few scented candles that Lilah didn't want anymore. It was finally her room.

"Hey, it looks great in here," Riley came in and sat down, "Is the new bed comfy?" She asked.

"Oh my God, it's like sleeping on a cloud, your moms must have spent a fortune on this. But, I'm trying not to think about that, otherwise, I'll just get all in my head. I was talking about it in group therapy today and I've decided to start practicing being grateful without guilt."

"Look at you, emotionally maturing," Riley joked, "I'm glad you're so happy here. It's actually kind of weird that there was a time when you weren't here. It sort of feels like you've always been around. Like you've always been my sister."

Gracie smiled at her foster sister, imagining the day when her dark past would start to feel like a distant memory, "It's weird though because, without all of the stuff I've been through, I never would have got to this place. It's like I'm almost glad it happened, well maybe not glad but... I don't know, I'm just being dumb," Gracie pulled her school books onto her bed.

"It's not dumb. Your past has made you stronger, and yeah it sucks that as kids in the system, we have to be strong, but still, it's brought us to this place where we don't have to be anything but ourselves, which a lot of people can't do."

Gracie and Riley had a lot of these talks about their lives, about what they went through before they got to the Tuckers, and they had similar stories. They helped each other to stay in the moment, to be thankful that they'd made it out to the other side.

Usually, the talks with Riley made Gracie feel better when she was getting anxious or stressed, but today she just felt ashamed. It wasn't just about the new furniture or how much money Stella and Lilah had spent to make sure Gracie was happy and healthy, it was all of the secrets.

Not only was she lying to her foster family, but now she was keeping secrets from her girlfriend too. She wanted to tell her about the adoption, but she didn't want it to cause any pain for Rachel who felt that if Gracie was adopted, then that meant she'd never see her. So, as much as it was eating at Gracie, she decided to continue keeping it from her, at least until some more time had passed since Rachel's outburst.

She wanted to talk to Sarah about it, but now that Sarah was putting pressure on Gracie to come clean about everything, Gracie was back to square one with no one to turn to. It wasn't true, she could talk to any one of her family or friends, but not without giving away her secret.

That evening, when Riley and Maia were out with their friends, Gracie was alone in her room trying to study, but her racing mind kept her distracted. She couldn't stop her eyes from wandering over to the drawer where Maia kept her hairdressing scissors. She hated how little it took for her mind to go dark again.

'I could do it again, just once, maybe twice, just to stop my brain going a hundred miles an hour.'

She stood up and lingered in place for a moment, clenching and unclenching her fists, trying to focus on something else, before taking a small step towards Maia's vanity.

'I'm supposed to be happy, I have a family, I have friends, a girlfriend who loves me. So why do I feel like I'm going to burst?'

Two sides of her mind were fighting.

'You're not that girl anymore, you have a family now, and you're strong.'

She took another step closer, listening to the part of her brain that was telling her how good it would feel.

'Just do it, it'll be quick and then you'll feel better.'

She took one last step, and yanked the drawer open, rifling through Maia's things until she found them. In the silence of the bedroom, she realized how heavily she was breathing.

'You'll calm down once you've done it,' she told herself, 'You'll be able to breathe again.'

With shaking hands, she sat back down on her new bed, rolled up her sleeve, and put the blade in position. She wondered if she should call her girlfriend, maybe Rachel could talk her down.

'No, don't burden her with this.'

Her brain wouldn't shut up until finally, she pressed down and dragged the blade. The familiar wave of calm washed over her, her breathing slowed down, the internal conflict was silenced, and her once rigid shoulders relaxed. But it still wasn't enough. Gracie was barely in command of herself as she mindlessly started slashing at her forearm, with just enough control not to cut too deep. She couldn't bear the thought of ending up in the hospital again, Stella and Lilah didn't need any more stress from her.

The hand that was gripping the scissors was becoming so tight that her knuckles were turning white, so she wiped the blades clean and put them back in Maia's vanity. When she stood up she realized just how many marks she'd made, and rushed into the bathroom to clean herself up.

Digging through the cupboard for a bandage, the guilt hit Gracie again. A different kind of guilt. And now, she had another secret that she was keeping from the people she loved. The people that loved her.

The bandage was so bulky that Gracie had to stack some of Riley's old bracelets on her wrist as well as permanent long sleeves to conceal it. She couldn't believe she was back to hiding her arms and telling people she was always cold even when it was boiling outside. But if she had any hope of carrying these secrets around, she had to keep hiding it. It was hard but it was familiar territory, she knew how to keep things to herself, she always had.

'One day,' she thought, 'One day, none of this will matter, I just have to get through right now.'

In one month, it would be summer break, and then Gracie would be getting adopted, and the camping trip was coming up too. She had so much to look forward to, and all she wanted to do was share it with Rachel, so she decided that today she would finally tell her girlfriend all of her good news, and then maybe some of the gut-wrenching shame would start to subside.

Gracie was getting ready to go and meet Rachel at their usual spot on the beach the following Saturday. She knew exactly what lie she was going to tell her family. But when she looked out of her bedroom window, she knew her plans were about to change.

"No," Gracie said when she saw Anita's car in the driveway, "No, no, no, she can't do this again!"

"Gracie, what's wrong?" Maia called after her foster sister as she ran downstairs.

"Anita, is there a problem?" Stella was just opening the front door when Gracie got to the bottom of the stairs, her heart pounding. She knew Anita was probably coming to take her away again, but she couldn't imagine why.

"Can I come in? We need to discuss Gracie's future here."