When Two Become One (A Camren Fanfic)

Mistakes We've Made

A/N: So maybe a small trigger warning for alcohol here.

Lauren's POV

I don't know what the hell i'm doing, or what the hell i was thinking. Ha! That's exactly the point, i wasn't thinking and here i am, right at the place i swore i would never come back too. I told myself i wouldn't be this person, that i would never let myself fall this far but apparently things don't always go the way we plan. I fooled myself into a fairy tale and turned it into my own worst nightmare. Typical Jauregui behavior, how many times can a person fuck up before it becomes expected? I mean according to recent events this is pretty normal for me so what the hell have i been doing all of this time? I thought i was better, i thought i had been improving, so much for that theory. Now we're back to square one resembling the same pity party from a few years back, let me be the first to tell you fetus Lauren was not all she was cracked up to be. I was eighteen when i auditioned for X Factor, i was nineteen when i picked up the habit and it wasn't until i was twenty, a good year after that i realized it did more harm than good.

So here i am again, drowning my sorrows and wallowing in self loathing over a glass of... something hard to pronounce, with the exception that this time i'm actually legal. I knew from the first glass that this was wrong but the more i consumed the better i seemed to feel, alcohol was as cruel as life itself, especially the next day but it never let you down. When you drink you do it willingly knowing full well what to expect, no surprises, no hotel room confessions, or other equally imposing dilemmas. Nope, alcohol was silent and accepting and rubbed me the right way. Cheers, the lonely ex-alcoholic says to no one in particular. I haven't even given my current situation a second thought, which includes my phone and the constant messages of 'where are you' exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark, from Camila. How was i so stupid to think i could start something with her, i knew i was a little worse for wear but i didn't know i was damaged goods. To be fair, i thought the worst of it was behind me, and yet here we are.

I've been here for the good part of an hour and forty minutes, the bartender being generous enough to offer free refills, either out of sympathy or the hopes of getting me drunk quicker so i'll fall for one of her cheesy pickup lines. I've made one too many mistakes already, sorry love, there's no room for you on this disasters quota. And if i'm doing anything this evening it's most likely killing over in a ditch somewhere or retching over a toilet in a motel. There's no way in hell or high heaven that i am going back to that hotel only to be hounded by every single one of it's patrons. Okay that might be an exaggeration, but that's what it feels like sometimes. Cruella and company could make it feel like the world was against me and i may have lost it once or twice, hence the drinking, it silenced the anger and obviously numbed me to any common sense. I honestly didn't think i could feel anything close to what i felt for Catherine after our break up before Camila walked into the picture. The sweet, innocent brunette who's probably tearing her hair out right now.

Why won't she just hate me? Why is that so hard? I know i questioned earlier what she would do when we were in my hotel room together, but a part of me wished she would just scream the building down. I wanted her to be furious, maybe even hit me but that was a stretch. I don't even know what we are anymore, i thought maybe this could work but any hopes and dreams i had have been long but crushed in the past couple of weeks. I even managed to convince myself that Camila would want to be my girlfriend. How ridiculous is that? Well she sure as hell isn't going to want to be anywhere near me right now if this is any clue as to what being with me would be like. I suppose it's for the best... so why don't i want it to be. Is it selfish, am i being selfish? To want something when I've taken so much away from others. I just wanted to pursue the thing I've wanted since i could talk and fall in love with someone who made me realize that life was more than just about living. Was that too much to ask, did i overstep some stupid boundary and tip the balance of the universe wreaking havoc and mayhem and the promise of desolating all life on earth as we know it. Maybe! Fuck, i don't even know anymore.