Ineffable Wishes Of The Heart

a love letter to the past

To the past that haunted me so badly, I want to feel better. It hurts my heart to keep on going back to the start, where I always end up being scared of the present because I continue to dwell on the memories that I've gone through. It takes me a while to forget because my mind remembers things that definitely made an impact on me. Some memories continued to scarred me, whereas some things were the reasons why I could not focus more on what I have now.

Every night, I go to bed and reminisce the past. It feels as if I'm still a little kid who could not move on from her childhood and her childish little dreams. The kid in me never went away. I've always felt like the inner child within me has always been there. It's why I'm quite sensitive whenever people would make me feel like I'm not appreciated. It's as if I'm still this kid who always seeks for validation and whenever she gets that validation, she would be so happy.

As years passed by, that validation was detrimental for me. It was poisonous. I got hurt when I was not given the validation I needed. And in return, I always blame myself because I've always thought that I'll never be good enough. Later on, that mindset brought havoc to me. I was traumatized by the idea of not being good enough because people in the past would make me feel as if I was never good enough.

No matter how hard I try, I never felt like I was doing the best that I could ever do.
From the girl I used to be, there were so many things that hindered me to be in the present. One of which was the fact that my head was trapped in the past, and there was nothing I could do to get out of that trap. I had a hard time fitting in when I was young because people made me feel as if I was strange and different compared to them. I looked for friends, but I never had it because I was scared of human connections.

I appeared to be confident on the outside, but I was slowly breaking down inside. I never spoke about these things before because I've always hidden the real me. The real me that people never got to see. The real me who saw the world in black and white. The real me whose heart was broken and has always been. I never felt like there was a safe space for me to be able to release what I've felt because the world has always been treating me so poorly.

Unfair, but I could never stop how this world would continue to treat me. I can only respond by controlling how I respond to it. At 10 years old, I remember telling my guidance teacher that I am fragile as a person. People would never believe me when I share about the things that broke me because they thought that I always seemed to be so happy and living my best life out there.

In photographs, you'd often see me smile. But when the cameras are out and the night goes darker, I am a different person. I ponder too much about all the what ifs in this world. Sometimes, I find myself worrying about other people's problems because I tend to care too much. It hurts my heart to see the people I love, struggle. I may not let them know, but I feel everything so deeply.

Every word, every action, everything they show me. I always feel too much. And one time, I hated myself so much for feeling too much. I hated that I could never get mad at those who hurt me because I understand them in ways they never thought I would. I understand their pain, their sufferings, their struggles. I chose not to fill my heart with hatred and disgust because I always try to understand why people are the way they are.

What bothers me most is that I don't have the voice to speak for myself when I'm hurting. I always keep it inside. I never let people see me cry or even struggle. I've always been strong in front of their eyes. What people didn't know is that underneath the person who is always there for people is a little girl whose heart is fragile enough to be broken.

And before I get to the best part, I want to take this time to mourn for the people I never got to grieve. I mourn for the opportunities that I failed to acquire. I mourn for the friendships I lost along the way. I mourn for the people I cared about who never looked at me in the eyes. I mourn for the girl I used to be. I mourn for her sufferings, her pain, her heart aches. I mourn for the least, the last, the lost and the forgotten.

Most especially, I mourn for the love I gave to the wrong people.

This is not the end of the past.
This is me, venturing onto better things than dwelling on the memories that I could not get over with.
This is the time to heal all the pains of yesterday.

Adios.