Ineffable Wishes Of The Heart

What does happy look like?

Calm as the waves, free spirited, soothing and merry. These are the words that come into mind when I think of happiness. It's not grandiose. It is simple, but breathtaking. Happiness doesn't come out in plans. It is found unexpectedly, like a gift you never expected to receive. Now, my question goes this way, what does happy look like to you? Is it luxury? Is it books? Is it the people who make you feel alive? Or, is it all of the above?

Well, as for me, happy looks like the hues of orange and pink every time the sun sets at 5 in the afternoon. I find myself fascinated with the sound of birds, the fresh and gloomy air, the swaying of trees, the sea breeze, the smell of the ocean, the smell of quaint books, the smiles of people I get to see outdoors, the sound of a baby laughing, the aftermath of rain, the rainbow, the sun, moon and stars. Happy looks as that of an abstract to me. It makes my heart feel alive whenever I feel happy. Though honestly speaking, I get random kilig whenever I get a high score during tests or some tasks. It makes me feel like there's this validation that validates my hard work every time I do well or I get to learn new stuffs at school. It's the kind of kilig that's so much better than seeing a crush or something. But yeah, seeing a crush makes my heart kilig too. My heart would pound for a bit. I would feel as if I'm this main character in a certain book or movie and the guy I admire would be the Prince Charming in that particular story. However, this stopped one day. I stopped feeling such things.

I felt as if I'm this empty piece of paper without any drawing or writing. For months, I read books to be sane. I was so so empty. There was nothing that could make my heart less empty. I miss being so happy. I miss laughing, giggling and crying in so much happiness. I wish my heart would be able to feel such things again 'cause I felt so dreadful about so many things. I was haunted by the ghosts in my head. I was suffocated by my own inner demons, and I felt as if something was definitely wrong with me. What does happy look like now? I have no idea, but there's this part of me that yearns for happiness. Happiness that makes you forget about your problems. Happiness that distracts you from worrying too much of the past,present and future. Happiness that could possibly heal my heart. I hope. I pray. I wish.

Dear reader,
May you smile today. May you never forget to realize that your own happiness shouldn't depend on others, but yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. Create your own sunshine. Live for the moments you can't put into words. Find happiness within you, and I'm sure it'll come to you.
- here I am praying for everyone's happiness too