Need You -N.H- Book Two

Twenty Seven; Guilt

Guilt

I pull the black dress over my shoulders and swallow the tight feeling in my throat as I turn to face the long mirror on the bathroom door. The dress is tight around my thin hips, even with all the eating I still hadn't gained much weight. I tie a loose belt around my waist after zipping the side of the dress up. The sleeves of the dress hang off my shoulders and reach down to the edge of my elbows.

I had bought it for dad's burial but hadn't worn it, I pulled on my football jersey that day because it felt comfortable. Today there was no need for that. After my breakdown in the arena there wasn't much left in me. Going today, to the funeral was something I was doing for Lou.

I had driven eight hours and stand in a cheap motel just trying to make myself prepared to go in there today. Everything I said to myself sounded like trash but it was the only words coming to me.

Lottie's light knocks on the door gave me the warning before she stepped inside and smiled at me. I brought her in tightly for a hug. She looks beautiful with her light blonde hair tucked into a braided bun and a black maxi dress, that braids up into a halter around her neck.

"Thank you for coming," she says so quietly that I barely realize that it's her anymore.

"Thank you for letting me come," I say back to her and hug her again.

"You were the only girl he ever brought around, you meant a lot to him."

I just smile at her this time, fighting everything inside of me not to cry in front of her. She leads me out to her car, starting the quiet engine it was in excellent condition and it only made me thought of Lou's junker. I smile to myself as we drive through the sunshine towards the small church that held whatever was left of my dear friend.

"Is Niall coming?" Lottie asks as she pulls into the parking lot, I shrug my shoulders. I bite down hard on my lip because I don't have an answer for her.

The small church is full of people, the walls have people lined down them, shoulder to shoulder. Lou's mother sits at the front, you can tell that it's her by the way she smiles when Lottie comes down the aisle.

Her smile is something I've never seen, so bright she could blind someone just by looking at them. Without thought she brings me into a hug, I rest my head into her and she runs her hand over my head.

She's so pregnant I'm not even sure how she's even moving at this point. But she still looks radiant in a long flowing black dress that ties under chest and between her large swollen belly.

"You are beautiful," she says looking at me. I take her hand and smile at her softly.

We take our seats next to one another, Lottie gripping my hand tightly as we listen to the reverend talk about life. He speaks of how even when you think you've passed the hardest moment in your life, god has a way of challenging us. This was certainly a challenge, one I didn't think was possible to overcome.

One by one people go up to read short passages about him, each moment drawing it closer to me closing it all out.