rays of sunlight // Antoine Griezmann

Chapter 12

Being wrapped in the arms of Antoine Griezmann is just what I need. I cry into him, and I don't even know why. Things are all shattered in me, and I'm trying so hard to put them back together, but I can't. I feel as though Antoine is the glue that is keeping me from completely falling apart.

I would be dead right now if it weren't for Antoine Griezmann. Who knows? Antoine could have been at my funeral right now, if he hadn't just come along.

I take deep breaths, until I'm silent, leaning on him, and he says gently, "What happened?"

I wipe my eyes, leaning away from him, and start muttering, "Antoine, I just don't know. You were gone, and I got scared. I got scared, Antoine, that... That something happened to you, too. That you... that you... you left, like my brother did, and my mother did, and my father did... I can't have anyone else I love leaving... So, Antoine, please... Please just don't leave..."

He doesn't promise not to leave. But he does say, "I will always come back to you."

I nod, my whole body slightly shaking.

Antoine arms of warmth and strength are what gets me through it.

He is what gets me through it enough to become healthy again. Before I leave four days later from his house, as I'm standing at the door, Antoine says, "Wait, Belle, just one more thing, okay?"

I look at him as he walks over, placing both his hands on my shoulders. "What?" I ask.

"Can you promise me something? Just little. It doesn't have to be big. Just a little something?"

"What?" I ask again.

"In the next week, get yourself a job. Unskilled is fine. I know that is where you're at. But just a job. I think you need a job. Can you promise me that, please? It's just one thing, and it's only fair, after what I have done for you."

I swallow nervously, feeling my hands shaking behind my back. "Do you... uh... I don't know if I can promise that. I can't have you disappointed in me if I don't..."

His next words feel harsh, and they hit, but later, I would learn that he said them for a reason. "Whether you make a promise now or not, I'll be disappointed in you if you don't get a job. So promise or not, get a job, if you want to avoid my disappointment."

I nod, not liking those words, but give him a hug, then leave.

I go home, get myself cleaned up. Then I call Eden. He deserves a call.

"Hello, Belle?"

"Hi. I haven't called you in a while. Sorry about that. I was sick. Like, really sick. I'm better now, though. Haven't had any slightest bit of symptoms for about a day now. So I'm fine."

"Good, wanna come over to my house tonight?" he says, sounding like a foul, hungry, dog.

I want to say no, but I know I can't. I have no place or energy to do such a thing. "Right, sure. That'd be lovely," I blatantly lie.

"Perfect. See you at 9:00, baby."

"Yeah, see you then, Eden."

"Bye."

I stare at the wall of my kitchen. I guess, at some point, Antoine ended up cleaning up the spilled pills, because they're gone. Bless his soul. Bless Antoine.

Then I remember the attic, and dread fills me. I still have to work through that attic. Maybe I could get Antoine to help me... No, I can't rely on him like that so much. It's not fair. He's not alive to be my emotional support. I have to take care of myself, even if it seems so much easier just to fall into his arms.

Just because Antoine Griezmann is the sweetest man on earth doesn't mean that I can't do anything, despite my extreme depression and anxiety.

Oh, yeah, my anxiety. Forgot about that. How could I forget about that? I have to be getting to getting that job, because I can't fail Antoine. I can't have him-

Why are all my thoughts only about Antoine Griezmann?

Because he showed he cared for you, Belle. No one has really done that for you in so long, it feels like, despite that care being what you need most. That's why. Because he cared about you, so now you care about him. I care about Antoine Griezmann deeply, and whether I can really admit it to myself or not, I have, for years. For my whole life, actually. We were born in that same hospital, and raised together, and there's no way ties like that could be broken. No matter how much football or how many deaths, ties like that can't be cut. They just can't.

And now he's back again.

And I can't get him out of my head.

Really, I should be cleaning the attic. I should be looking for a job. I should be going for a walk. I should be thinking about how excited I am to go have sex with my hot boyfriend. But instead of thinking about or doing all those things, I can't get those caring blue eyes and those toned strong arms out of my head.

Antoine Griezmann's name is written on everything I look at around me. If God were real, I'd think he was trying to give me a sign, but I wouldn't know what for. I think this has got something to do with fate, but what is fate trying to tell me? What if I'm getting something wrong? What if I-

My breathing is picking up, and I fold my hands gently, staring at them, reminding myself that stress equals mess. It's a little saying Andre told me when I was a really little kid. I have always had issues with stress is worry. It's funny how some random things stick in your brain, even though they really aren't too important. And the most important things slip away.

For some reason, though, I have never forgotten that Andre told me once that stress always, always, equals more mess in your life.

Well that's great and all, Andre. I know it makes mess. I know a lot about that. I know that from experience. So why don't you tell me how to get rid of that stress, then, in the first place?

Huh, Andre?