rays of sunlight // Antoine Griezmann

Chapter 19

I sit in Andre's office. I have just told him everything. About Antoine. About Eden. About getting pregnant. About kissing Antoine. Again. I'm saying, "Things have been really bad, Andre... But there is something about Antoine... Somehow, for some weird, odd, random reason, I feel like somehow, he's going to help it be better. He won't make it better. He encourages me to try. So much. And I think that's why. I love him, and he does so much for me, so I feel like it would be wrong not to do what he wishes I would. He wants me to be happy. I feel like, somehow, Andre, me and Antoine are connected. I know this sounds stupid, but it is like we literally were born to be together. Born in the same hospital, on the same day, in the same year. We are too connected. We lost touch, but fate brought us back together, and I think we are meant to stay together. I have always thought that soulmate stuff is a bunch of crap, but that is literally what this seems like, Andre. It seems like we're soulmates."

I feels good to get that all out. I guess that is kind of what Andre is for, though. The reason I still pay him is because he is the only person I can talk to literally everything about, with complete trust.

I told Antoine about the attic. About how I actually do want to really, really move out of this house, and go to San Sebastian with him, but at the same time, I don't want to give away this house. Let it go. Because my whole life belongs here. My memories. I told him about that.

Now I sit in my dining room. In this same chair. Antoine sits across from me, and we are eating breakfast together. He made it for me. He's so kind...

"We could leave this house, Belle, and not sell it, you know. I could sell my old house next door, and it'd be easy for me to pay for this one."

I shake my head thoughtfully. "Maybe. But I don't know yet. I mean, for starters, I think I'd like to stay here until the baby is born. I don't want to worry about moving while I'm pregnant. I know I'm not showing yet or anything, but by the time we're actually packed up and ready to move, no matter how fast or strong you are, by then, I will be showing, no doubt. Maybe wait 'til the baby is two or three years old, and then we can think about something like that, you know? I mean, we just got together, and it's not like we're married or anything. You can have your football career. Visit me when you can. And, when the time comes, I'm sure you could convince your manager that you need to have some time off, because your girlfriend is having a baby, right?" You would think that all this talk is dragging me down, but for some reason, just sharing this with Antoine, knowing that he's taking it in and will think about it makes these things a lot less hard.

I'm still terrified of being a mother. I don't think I'm ready for it. I'm still terrified of giving birth. But to know that Antoine is going to be here with me. But to know he's going to help me with the baby, as much as he can, with his busy, young life. To know that he will be like a father, in some ways, to my child. All those things bring me a indescribable amount of comfort.

"Sure," he nods. "I'm sure I'd be able to work that out, when the time comes. I really do hate the idea of leaving you, but so early in my career, it's not like I can just take a break from football either. And I wouldn't like to, for that matter. I love football, and I love you, and I feel like my love for both these things keeps having to be divided, you know?"

"Antoine, I understand though. I know you feel bad, and you'll do better this time. I get you have a dream. And you're chasing it. It's probably more important than me, in fa-"

"I love football and I love Belle Bain. That is that," he says sternly.

I stare at him for a few seconds, a smile creeping on my lips. "Right."

I sit there for a few seconds with him quietly, sipping my tea. Suddenly, a thought hits me.

I have told so much to Antoine. I always have, ever since that day he found me on the street, freaked out and with a fever. But I have never let him talk. I don't even know about how these years have been for him. I have no idea how good of a footballer he is. I have no idea who his friends are, and I don't even know what freaking club he plays for!

I blurt, "What football club do you even play for, Antoine?"

He grins, shaking his head. "You really didn't keep up with me at all, did you?"

I blush. "No. I made myself forget you."

"I know, I know. And I understand. I play for Real Sociedad now, and I have for years. It is my club."

"I have a question, Antoine."

"Yes?"

"How come you play for a fricking club in Spain? I know nearly nothing about football, but I know enough to know that France has clubs, too. It makes it harder. Because you'll be in a completely different country as me."

He smiles, shaking his head in what looks like disbelief. "Real Sociedad was the only club that would take me, so I took what I was given thankfully. It was hard, though, Belle. Being a teenager, and being so far from home so much. Really painful. It was..." I'm surprised to see his eyes watering.

"Antoine..." I say, putting my hand across the table, on his.

He shakes his head, using his other hand to wipe his tears. "It's fine. That's the price you pay when you enter football. There is a price for chasing your dreams, Belle."

At that point, if only I knew how true that statement really was. If I only knew.