rays of sunlight // Antoine Griezmann

Chapter 5

Still In The Same Flashback

Antoine brings me to an empty hallway in the school building, and gently pushes me against the wall, which gets a surprised squeak out of me.

He seems not to notice, and if he does, he doesn't care. His blue eyes look tired, and dimmer, almost like how mine looked before my loved ones passed on. My eyes are even dimmer now, probably- like, grey now, perhaps?

His whole facial expression looks very serious, and he starts with, "Belle, I know things have been so hard for you, alright? And I know what I'm about to say and do might make it all harder, but everything coming are things that have to be done, okay? But just prepare yourself, please."

I sigh, every bone in my body feeling like it just wants to crumble to the ground. I don't need more, Antoine. I really don't. I just say softly, "Okay, what? I'm ready..."

Our eyes meet, and a second later, suddenly his strong body is pushed against mine, pushing me against the wall. His hands are holding my cheeks and neck, and his lips are on mine. He's kissing me.

I don't know what to do or feel, so I close my eyes and forget everything. I refuse to think, and just enjoy it, knowing in a few seconds, it will end, and everything will flood back.

His mouth distinctly tastes like mint, a pleasant taste to me. I can smell his manly cologne now, so close to him, and I enjoy it all. How does he know how to kiss so well? I don't know. I mean, maybe I don't know what a good kiss is. This is my first kiss. Is this his, too? I don't know... Either way, whether the kiss really is a good or bad one, it sure feels like the most amazing kiss on earth.

In a little too long, Antoine finally pulls away, and when I open my eyes, I'm surprised to see tears streaming down his cheeks. "What is it?" I ask in concern, leaning towards him.

"Belle, I have liked you for years. Have you liked me for years, too?"

I stare at him, not sure if I'm ready to admit this, before saying quietly, "Yes. Years."

"Me too. I wanted to do that before I have to go. I know this is going to tear you apart, but I had to. You're a broken mess, and I don't want to leave you now, after that, but I have to."

I stare at him, confused, with wide, dreading eyes. "What is it, Antoine?" I say, my voice cracking. Right away, I think he's suggesting taking his own life. I think that enters my head so quickly simply because I have been considering that very thing so often lately.

"I love football, and I always have. I have a chance, Belle, and I have to go train. I have to become a professional footballer, because it's my dream. I'm sorry. It's selfish, but it is what I have to do."

He's right. This does tear me apart. He's so smart, isn't he?

Yeah, right.

I break down in tears, and I start punching his chest in anger. Hard. As hard as my arms can punch him. He stands there, taking it, and I'm sure it hurts him, but he takes it. Maybe because he knows he deserves it.

After a little while of weak, tired, mourning punches, I can do nothing but fall into his arms and cry into his chest.

Current Time 

That was the last time we said goodbye. He said it. He said, 'This is it, Belle. Goodbye.' He said that right before he left, and that was the last time I ever saw him.

I look up at Andre. I don't know why this is hurting me so much to read this. I ask him, "Why?"

He ignores me question, and says, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking about how stupid and dramatic we were, actually. Why did he kiss me? He could've just said goodbye with a heartfelt hug, and he would've left as an important friend. Not the boy who wanted to be in love with me at age fourteen, who I had known and liked my whole life, who ditched me and his life to play stupid football. We were foolish. That kiss had no point to it, because nothing ever came of it! It's all stupid, and foolish!" I rant.

"Why do you think he did that, Belle? Really. Why do you think he did that?" Andre questions.

I sigh, staring at the floor. "I don't know... He just wanted to be able to do that, right before he left. He knew he'd never see me again, so he just wanted to do that. But it was obviously for selfish reasons. He said himself that he knew how much this would break me, but he did it anyway, to feel satisfaction for himself. I forced myself to forget about it, but now as I think about it, I get sad, because of... Well, I don't know why, actually, I feeling so strongly about this. It happened when I was fourteen. So I don't know, Andre. I don't know."

"You never sorted through it, Belle. There is all this hurt bottled up in one time period of your life, and now that you're going through another hard time, the stuff from before that still hasn't been dealt with is coming back to haunt you. So I think the first thing we need to start with, Belle, is working through all this old junk, before we can even start on the new junk."

This is hard to hear. I don't want to feel more bad feelings, from the past. I want to have no more of them. I want to sort through current stuff, because that's what is weighing on me right now. I feel like Andre doesn't get it. But, I guess, he probably does. He's a professional, and he's been dealing with me for years. What do I know? He's probably the one who is right here.