Falling For Lucy

Epi - 12 Heartbreak

"I don't want to talk about it either, but it's part of my recovery," she explained.

"Can't you just admit all your sins to your therapist?" I asked. 

She scoffed. "I already have. The whole point is to make amends with the people that I've hurt. And I've hurt you most of all." 

I internally groaned. I didn't want to talk about this stuff. I already did enough talking with Lucy as she was constantly psychoanalyzing me. 

"And telling me about all the horrible things you did is gonna make it better?" I asked.

"No. But only through honesty can you learn to trust me again," she answered. 

If it's trust she wants she can have it. She's clean. 

"Isabel, you didn't do those things because you're a bad person. You did them because you're a drug addict. And addicts lie, they cheat, and steal. They betray everyone around them. It's hardwired into their DNA." I explained. It was simple and logical.

She stopped walking, I turned to face her and I was surprised to see that she was angry. "So, are you saying you can never trust me again? Because I'll always be an addict?" she asked.

"No, I'm saying that you hurt me because of the drugs. And you won't hurt me now because you're clean." I replied.

"You can't know that," she accused. 

"Sure I can. But if you want to tell me how you put our IRA into your arm after you left or how you robbed the neighbors when it ran out, go right ahead." I already knew about everything, nothing was a secret. I just wanted to move forward.

"Ugh, things are always so black and white with you! It's -" She was growing frustrated.

"Comforting?" I offered.

"Maddening!" She sighed. "Look, when we got married, I felt this huge weight to live up to your standards."

"I never asked you to," I replied.

"You didn't have to. I didn't want to disappoint you... And all I ever did was fail," she said.

What was I supposed to say to that?

I walked over to the bench on the pathway and sat down. I replayed our entire relationship in my mind, from the moment we met at the academy to coming up together as rookies and eventually deciding to get married and how everything changed after that. I was always her savior and she didn't need me anymore. I thought about Lucy and how we were only a couple of months into her training. I couldn't see her even remotely considering marriage at this stage in her career and I realize how terribly I had failed Isabel. We were so young and naive and I thought we could make it work, and I realize now it was never going to. And at the end of the day, all of this was my fault. I was the one who proposed, I insisted we get married. I trapped her with me and when she fell down the rabbit hole I just made it worse for her, because she believed in my eyes she would always be a failure. I was the failure.

"You haven't said a word for an hour. You're allowed to be angry with me. You're supposed to be. I deserve it," she finally said.

"I don't want to be angry. I just want my wife back. But I can't have that... You know, for the last year everyone's told me just to give up on you." Not Lucy though, but she's always unreasonably supportive. "To let you go 'cause you were- you were gone anyway. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it, and what kind of husband would I be if I left you when you were lost? But you're not lost anymore. And I will always be a reminder of your lowest point, of that shame you felt when you put that needle in your arm. So, as long as we're together, you're never going to be able to move forward." I sighed. "This is the end."