❝Rethink❞ (BNHA x BSD)

❦ Chapter 14 🎔

It was the day before we took off for the training camp. I was getting more and more nervous. I tried to think about my dad's advice instead, but I couldn't find an angle I hadn't considered. Dazai had left me alone with his ethics problems because the Agency actually needed me to focus and sort the files. Without noticing I had reached the bottom of the pile while thinking about my relationship with Todoroki. He was nice for sure, seemed to care about me. But was it pure politeness? Worry? Vested interests?

"Eliana, ELIANAA" Atsushi finally caught my attention. I looked at him. "I have an errand to run. Could you come with me?" he asked.

I looked to Dazai, who in turn looked absolutely disinterested in work and seemed to be in another world entirely. Then I turned to Kunikida. He gave me permission with, "Of course. Go with Atsushi if he asked for you."

We headed off. The task was to deliver some documents to the police office. I could not imagine why Atsushi needed my help, and I asked him about it while we walked.

"I just wanted to tell you that you're worthy of being alive."

"Huh?"

"People need to hear that from others. Or else they can't go on."

I thought about it for some time. Indeed, encouragement, gratitude, positive attention – people needed all that to continue moving forward. He had a point, people needed to hear it. Maybe not in that exact wording though.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. You must have your own reasons for telling me this."

"I do."

Interested, I encouraged him to elaborate.

"I'm from an orphanage and for a while I worked for the Agency with the goal of justifying my existence. As if I didn't have a right to live otherwise. But Akutagawa called me out on it. Of course, I pointed out his idiocrasies too," he added with a chuckle.

"Akutagawa? Really?"

"We've had to work together during some missions. Neither of us like it but we're a good combination. Dazai knows it too."

"Dazai seems to know everything."

"He doesn't know what you're thinking. I actually wanted to ask you about it – you seem kind of worried."

"Hmm, yes." I halted and stared up at the grey sky. It looked like it was about to rain, so we had to hurry and deliver the documents. I promised Atsushi I would be able to explain it by the time we had delivered the documents.

We reached the police station before it started raining. Although I was a bit wary of the officers, they didn't seem to be after me. I was in civilian clothes as well, which meant my U.A uniform couldn't attract any attention either. We left relatively soon after handing over the documents. I had also articulated my thoughts.

"If I had to put it into words, I know where I'm going, but I don't know where I am. It scares me. The unknown."

"Why don't you know where you are? You're a member of class 1-A and you work for the Agency."

"I don't know where I am in relation to the Mafia. Sure, they removed me from the mission, but that only goes so far."

"That's true, we should ask Dazai."

~

Back at the office, the man in question seemed surprised at that thought.

"You're no longer part of the Mafia, so don't worry. The Mafia is not an organisation that wishes to ruin their reputation by associating with a so-called disgrace. They do have some pride."

"But they could give a hint to the school that there is a traitor among them," Atsushi supported my case.

Kunikida joined in. "The Mafia still needs to make sure the threat to the hero society is eliminated."

"Which Akutagawa said they would do less subtly if "I don't cooperate as expected,"" I added. "Which begs the question, did they expect me to betray the organisation? Probably. Chuuya," (Dazai tsked) "made it clear they had prepared for such a situation. So all this means that it's going according to one of Mori's plans! And this is bad because I'm still their puppet."

"But not directly," Tanizaki added, slightly nervously.

"Now, now, Eliana," Dazai spoke, "the Mafia is not the only one with a plan."

"Oh, great," I said sarcastically, "Would you mind telling me about ours?"

Dazai's gaze turned to Kunikida. "Don't look at me," he said.

I was fuming at Dazai. He helds his hands up in defense. "Just joking!"

I could feel my right arm pulling back, ready for a punch. Atsushi grabbed my wrist. "Let's not fight now."

"It's okay," he said to Atsushi. "How rude of me," he said to himself. "The plan was to develop your quirk. It would have made you less predictable, to mess with the Mafia, and stronger, to deal with any situation."

I inhaled sharply to deal with the sudden pang of regret. Desperately I glanced over at the calendar. The first day of training camp was indeed tomorrow. I had no time.

"Hey," Dazai said, slightly angry, "don't pity yourself."

"I'm not. I just feel stuck."

Dazai looked at Ranpo. "This won't cut it," he said. Everyone else seemed to become slightly on edge.

Dazai spoke, "You need to change, Eliana. And I don't mean it in an accusatory way. Simply put, you are worried that you'll stay in your past situation. You're afraid you'll be taken back to the Mafia again. You will be if you remain the same person you were then."

"But I have changed," I protested, "and it doesn't seem to be enough."

"Exactly, change more. Let the old Eliana die completely. Let go. Don't hold onto the part of yourself you actually want to and should burn off."

Through my teary eyes I saw him look at Ranpo again. "There's hope," he said.

"And how do I do that," I turned to Dazai, "burn off parts of myself?"

"Ask yourself what you did wrong and start doing what you should have done instead."