❝Rethink❞ (BNHA x BSD)

❤ Chapter 13 ❦

Training was hard. Not because of my physical limits, but mental limits. Dazai had proposed that I could even command inanimate objects, but no matter how hard I focussed, I couldn't do it. I was beginning to doubt whether it was possible, but he was sure of it. When it was obvious I wasn't progressing with my quirk, he told me to "think well". Frankly I wasn't sure what to do with that kind of vague command, so instead he gave me riddles and mysteries to solve. But he wasn't too disappointed. He knew that becoming a problem-solving machine and seeing through every and any plot in an instant would help me choose the best command for any situation.

This was the general summary, but not a realistic representation. Talking to a stone was truly ridiculous, but I had to be sincere. Dazai did not go easy on me either, quizzing me while cooking, eating, walking to the office and during work. It just made me realise how stupid I was and I felt like I wasn't learning anything. When I told him that, he sent me to go make the stone move with my words instead.

But this also made me grow closer to the rest of the Agency. To avoid Dazai's quizzing, I volunteered to go shopping with Yosano. No one in the office wanted to do it and for a good reason (the woman did not hold back during shopping), but I liked the change of scenery. Edogawa Ranpo, the member who could foresee future and solve any mystery all without a quirk, would sometimes predict the time Dazai got back so I could busy myself with something out of his sight. Dazai obviously noticed but seemed to respect my efforts. All this was extremely annoying to Kunikida though. He sympathised with my situation and even scheduled to confront Dazai about it one day. He made a good enough argument that Dazai stopped giving me riddles, but instead started giving me ethics questions. 

"You can only save one group of people: the staff of the Detective Agency or all the members of 1-A. Which one do you save?"

Difficult questions for sure, but ones I could actually answer. "I save the Detective Agency, because 1-A is yet to find their place in the society and there would be no one to counterbalance the Port Mafia." I knew what I was saying was horrible, but if I had to pick one...

"But you're also part of 1-A," he argued.

"I'll save you then die myself."

I wanted to add, "At least then I'll be able to make up for everything," but didn't.

After this shift in questioning we grew closer with Dazai. He would also occasionally share his reasoning, especially when it differed from mine, and I usually agreed with him after hearing his explanation. But it all didn't seem to matter when I still couldn't get a stone to turn into a snake, roll over or at least move.

As the day of the training camp started to approach I became more worried. I was worried about my ties to the Port Mafia: would they leak that I was a past member to my school? What about Akutagawa? What is their plan going forward? Am I just playing right into Mori's hand right now?

One day, to avoid spiralling into those kinds of thoughts, I decided to think about my dad instead. He would be happy with me right now: I had quit the Mafia. I was speaking properly too, at least I thought I was. Did I mean everything I said? Would I really save the Agency and then die myself? Would I really be ready to kill my classmates to save the Agency? I thought all this as I was walking home with Dazai after work. I decided to talk to him about this when we were "home".

"Dazai, level with me for a moment please," I said.

"I am not going to crouch down," he replied, but at least he was listening.

"I've been thinking about what my dad told me about my quirk. Or actually, what kind of a person he instructed me to be. It was me who concluded that he was preparing me for using my quirk well."

"Reasonable."

I continued, "I think that ... he told me to only say what I truly mean so that when I use my quirk to command someone, I would actually believe what I said. The thing about commanding is that I actually have to believe that what I say will happen. Knowing that I have a quirk only goes so far."

"So your goal is," Dazai being a highly intelligent individual answered me almost immediately, "to use your quirk without actually using your quirk, so to speak."

"It's not like I'm going to command someone every time I speak, but I think that it would help if I knew that my words were what I truly meant."

"You did it!"

"Did what?"

"You thought well. Effectively. Properly."

"This does feel like the key to unlocking my quirk," I agreed. "From now on, I will do my best to choose my words properly."

Dazai's smile was bittersweet. "Eliana. This is certainly an important aspect, but you're already doing it."

I was confused about what he meant.

"You're not going around yelling at people and telling them to die like your classmate Bakugou. You are already quite careful with your words. I am not sure whether you'd notice a huge improvement."

This was the first time I felt truly upset since I left the Mafia. Why couldn't Dazai understand?? "But I need to do it properly or else it won't work! It's all or nothing! I need to..."

"Go beyond. Plus ultra?"

"Yeah!" It was fascinating how I started to agree more and more with the motto. "But right now, I don't mean everything I say. I don't think I'd be ready die to save the Agency."

Dazai seemed to consider long and hard what to say. He couldn't say "No one's ready to die," because he was. And he couldn't say "Not at your age," because he already wanted to die at 15. At least that's what I had heard, but I couldn't remember from where.

Finally he said, "There's no death involved, if you're smart about everything."

"That's why you don't seem to die," I paid him a hidden compliment. That was the only way I could express how grateful I was for his mentoring at that time.