All Our Sensitivity

chapter five - sorry

Unfortunately, the days following his ride home from Theodore and his friends' conversation were not the best. He was having a high peak of anxiety which included numerous panic attacks; some of them ensued because of small issues, but most of them began for seemingly no reason. As much as he didn't want to admit it, it was a mixture of two things. 1) He found Theodore ridiculously cool and wanted to be his friend more than anything. Theodore radiated such brightness, but Nate was worried that he was too dim for him. Dull. Boring. Awkward. Anxious. 2) As much as he didn't want to admit it–his nightmares had begun to pick up again. Whenever he got like this, his dreams were filled with terrible visions about himself. He dreamt about his ex-girlfriend and the abuse that she enthralled onto him, and watched as it mixed with his friends and Theodore. They kept him up at night.

During those days, Nate did not visit the bookshop. He was too tired and anxious to be around Theodore. Every part of him wanted to see the brilliant man except his stomach and throat. He felt sick every time he imagined what he would say to Theodore, and what Theodore may say back. Being anxious over a mere conversation seemed silly to him, but he knew it didn't feel like it was. He tried to use coping skills, and to validate himself—which was, of course, his therapist's recommendation—while he talked himself through all that he was feeling.

After skipping out on going to visit Theodore for 6 days–which was extremely shocking considering the fact that he couldn't go a second without thinking about him–Nate decided that it was time. He was going to push past his worry and go talk to the man whose voice and presence plagued his mind with warmth and fluster. Truthfully, he knew that hearing Theodore's voice and smelling his aroma would put him at ease in an instant; all that would be left was butterflies and sweaty palms. The idea of being around him was intoxicating. He missed him greatly.

He made the decision to walk from school to the bookshop, as he had gotten comfortable with the entire route and felt confident strolling alone. His anxiety was still prevalent as ever, but he had to focus harder on his surroundings, and in this case, it was a very nice distraction from what was to come. As soon as he walked up to the heavy door his breath hitched. The feeling of doom pounded in his chest. It will be fine, I'm fine, he spoke to himself

The ding of the doorbell rang through, still too loud for his comfort. He bit the inside of his cheek, wondering if he should just stand there or say something. Either way, he wasn't able to make a decision in time.

"Hey you," a familiar voice called.

"H-Hi," he stuttered. Embarrassing.

There was a silence, and he immediately ran through every scenario in his head. Did he say something wrong last time they saw each other? Was Theodore upset at him for not coming sooner? Was he mad that he was here? Could Theodore tell that Nate wasn't doing well? Did he know?

"You don't have to stand there," Theodore laughed slightly. "I have a seat pulled up for you and everything".

Nate smiled wearily and walked towards the counter as he slid his cane across the ground. When he reached his destination, Theodore gently pushed the seat towards his leg, making sure that he was aware of its presence. He appreciated the act; it was way better than him grasping at the air for an uncomfortable amount of time. He sat down, placing his backpack gently onto the floor. Theodore sat down on his respective stool.

"I was starting to think you'd never show up again."

"I'm sorry, I just got really busy with schoolwork," he replied, lying out of panic.

Could Theodore tell he was fibbing?

"Do not apologize whatsoever, Nate. I was joking," he replied, instantly falling into his charismatic state. "I totally get the schoolwork thing. I mean, obviously it's not the same, but even when I was in high school I barely had time to do anything. College is worse."