Nate visited the bookshop two more times.
He and Theodore's interaction lingered in his mind. Each time they saw each other they became closer and closer. In the brown-haired boy's mind, any new words spoken were intoxicating. For example, he learned that Theodore graduated high school early but decided to not attend college. He was 20, and lived alone in his own apartment just 7 minutes away from the store. He grew up with an older sister and his mom who he raved about, but left the house as soon as he could, and had been living on his own since. Nate didn't pry on why Theodore had such an urgency to leave, despite his curiosity. Besides that, Nate also learned that he loved to skateboard, watch movies, go to concerts, and crochet. Nate would be lying if he didn't secretly swoon at the thought of him skating in the day and ending the night with crocheting while listening to music. It was less of a thought and more of a fantasy, he soon realized.
Overall, they grew to be more familiar with each other. Nate worried that their meetings mattered way more to him than they did to Theodore. Who was he kidding, Theodore probably had no interest in someone like him. He was always awkward and nervous; his hands were perpetually clammy and he always shook like a wounded puppy. He stumbled on his words every time he spoke to Theodore. His hair was always a mess, and even though he could guess, he never really did know what he looked like. Nate also thought he was extremely lame compared to Theodore. All Nate did was go to school, come home, play with his twin sibling, listen to music, do homework, hang out with his friends, and go to therapy every few weeks.
Nate knew he was getting ahead of himself, but he worried that Theodore's efforts only stretched to the setting of the bookshop. What if he was like this with everyone? What if Nate was a dumb, hopeless, pinning, idiot? What if Theodore wasn't into guys? There were days when the feelings of dread and inadequacy were so much that Nate could barely think. The only thing that could quiet it down was thinking about how Theodore's voice sounded in his ears and head.
He hated how far along he always thought. It felt as if his brain was 10 steps ahead of everyone's and not in a good way. His worries were rarely spoken out loud. The only person he consistently talked to about them was his therapist, and he still hid things from her all the time. Nate was aware it wasn't good for him to internalize everything, but the fear of shame and rejection stopped him from opening up. He wasn't a completely closed case. He did talk with his friends about emotions; they were no strangers to mental health issues. But overall, he didn't let his mind slip past his mouth. The lucky side of this was that he learned a plethora of coping skills over the years. Anytime he got stuck and could manage to get out, he would hang out with his cat Luna, be around his family and friends, or listen to music and sit outside. It was nice that he didn't let the overwhelming feeling of dread consume him. There were some times when it did, and he had no say in it, but those moments were further between than they used to be. Nate often shuddered at the remembrance of his past low episodes.
He didn't leave his bed during them and wondered what the point of him living was. He hated that it happened and he felt bad for his past self. That Nate was sad and lonely; he hadn't dealt with past trauma in the slightest. This Nate did for the most part, and wasn't as lonely as he was back then. Anytime he found himself feeling discouraged by the fact that he was slipping back into the toxic sludge of his mind, he reminded himself how far he had come. It made him feel a bit better.
Despite his not-so-ideal state, Nate managed to visit the bookshop again. Now, it was the seventh time he had been there in the past month, but Theodore's awareness of the matter only consisted of four. Nate was content with that number. It didn't seem as obsessive as seven.
The rain had been pounding harder than it did the last time, and Nate continued to wear his Doc Martens and heavy-duty raincoat to help combat the unruly weather. He walked into the bookstore, utterly drenched despite the fact that his mom had only dropped him off a block away.
VOUS LISEZ
All Our Sensitivity
Roman d'amour"Are you always going to forget I can't see?" "I don't need to remember when we're kissing." "Weirdo." Nate was born blind. That was a fact. Nate was also gay. That was a fact that came much later after his six-month relationship with his best frien...
