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The world is cold, and my heart is dead.
I have run away from the one I once thought was my true love. My heart is broken, and I shall never recover. Barack... NO... Obama... has ripped me into two irreparable pieces.
One foot after the other, I sprinted across the busy highway, my dong swinging side to side with every step. The breeze caressed my testicles as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
I felt the eyes of cameras on me, and knew they were videoing me because I was naked. The world had never seen a wiener more beautiful than mine.
SUDDENLY, i saw a an abandoned car on the side of the road. I ran to it and miraculously only got hit by two cars on the way
Without looking back at the screams of "MY INSURANCEEEEE" and "WHATTHEFUCKYOUPSYCHO" , I thrust open the door of the car and sat in the front seat. the sleek black interiror burned against my buttcheeks.
I have to find a new love. someone hotter, sexier, betterer than the president. An upgrade.
SUDENLY i knew exactly who i needed...
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I knocked on the huge door with engravings of ancient Egyptian orgies. my knocks were met with a "hissssssssssss"
It's me, I screamed calmly.
"...Sangwoo?" A raspy voice smirked incredulously.
Tears pricked at my eyes and prick. my pepee hardened slightly at the sound of that nostalgic voice.
"Y-y-y-y-yes, it's me..." I chocked on the air "HCKAK"
I waited 15 minutes while the man undid the 652 locks placed on the door. Safety first.
In what felt like mere seconds, the door opened slightly to reveal a perfect, beautiful face of two eyes, a mouth (kind of), two ears, and no nose. i began leaking from my anus at the sight....
those perfect eyes widened and the door was pulled back further, revealing my old fling...
Baldymort.
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MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BALDYMORT I MOANED
ssssssssssANGWOAH he hissed back in ecstasy. Not actual ecstasy though. just heroin.
he thrusted up into my tight heat. "What are you doing here sssssssangwoo?"
"I'm here for you, Dawg. I need yo dick." i moaned back
That can't be the only reasssssssssson" he questioned, one perfect eye twitching in time with his hips.
I sighed. Okay, fooling the dark lord won't be as easy as I thought. I decided to switch to his language, Parseltongue, to clear things up.
"Ssssssss ssss ssss ss sss sssss ss sssss ssss ss. S sss's sss ssssssss ssss ss sss ssss. Sss sss sssssss ssss ss ssss ssss sss ssssss sss sss sssss ss sss sssss ss ss 's' ss sss ssssssss. Ssss sss sssss sssss ssssss sss ssss sss's ssss ssssss. Sss ss sss sssss sss s sss sss ssssss sssssss. Ssss's ssss sssss sss ss ssss sss sss... ssss sssss ssss sssss sss ssss ssss ssss ssss." I explained.
"Ss ssss ss ss, ss ssss ss sss, ss ssss's sssss ssss ssssss sss ssss sssssss?" Baldymort smirked.
"What the fuck dude? That's really uncalled for," I raged, offended at his cruel words.
"Sss'ss sssss ssss ss sss sss's ss. Sss'ss sssss sssss ss sss sss's ssss," He responded.
"Oh okay then" I said, satisfied. "So we understand each other?"
"Yesssss," he nodded. "I agree to pissssss in your mouth."
I pumped my fist in the air and cheered. Task success.
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That night, I appeared on Channel 7 news with Baldymort. We talked about the current political climate of the world, and abortion. He firmly agreed that it's okay to kill babies.
At the end of the program, i turned to the camera and said "Barack, this one is for you" and i dropped on my knees in front of Baldymort and began slurping at his johnson on live television.
"Mr Sangwoo, Mr Puzzle! STOP IT RIGHT THIS MOMENT YOU IMBECILES" Dumbledore asked calmly.
"HCACK" i chocked again, but this time on Baldymorts dick.
The producer woman named Caitlin was screaming like a banshee and shitting herself all over the set. "AAAAAAAAAAAA YOU'RE LOSING POINTS FOR THIS!!!!!!" she screeched and stole some more alcohol from the bar.
That night, i looked at my Barbie flip phone and saw that I had a text from the president. My jaw dropped as I opened the notification.
All that was there was a dick pick and the message: We need to talk.
What does Barack want to say to me? Find out next episode!
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