I was sweating again. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my thudding heart. I saw her there, in my mind. The light brown hair cropped short and barely covering her ears. I remembered every detail, how her hazel eyes crinkled when she smiled, the way the left side of her lips curled more than her right when she laughed. The look on her face when we made love, her soft, sensitive neck. All of that was still mine, but I knew it wouldn't last. Holding on to her image for two weeks had been a miracle. I just had one last promise to keep.
I was bumped by the nervous girl sitting next to me. She was littered with piercings proclaiming her to be a courageous rebel; her jitters spoke of the same fear I felt. They had packed us in like sardines on little plastic chairs that looked like they belonged in some school lunch room. Most of us would leave disappointed and I prayed I was one of them. I had only promised to show up -- I hadn't promised to succeed.
Most of the contestants were younger than I. I closed my eyes again to shut out their youthful anxiety. I took a few deep breaths, and brought the image of Soojoo back into my mind. It was still so easy to see her. I knew my memory, such a weak tool, would begin to fail. I had pictures, but they weren't the flowing 3D I could call up in my psyche. Still so beautiful and perfect.
I heard the door open and hoped it wasn't for me. "Kim Min-jeong?". I opened my eyes as the smartly-dressed woman wearing a headset called out the name. A bouncing blonde three rows away jumped up excitedly. I was just as excited for her. I had been here for over half a day and knew the auditions had to be coming to a close. It was a long shot to be chosen and I had never won a lottery. I had my bad luck going in my favor. I closed my eyes again and spent more time with the memory of Soojoo, my wife.
"Bang Ye-dam?". The lady had returned, and blessedly called out a name which was not mine. I didn't open my eyes this time as Ye-dam gave a quick cheer, and I heard him head quickly to the door. I wished it would end. I was hoping he was the last, but no one dismissed us. I tried to breathe slowly. My pulse was still racing and I needed it to slow down. One way or another, this little bit of personal hell would be over soon. It was getting too late for it to continue much longer.
"Last one," the woman called, when she returned fifteen minutes later. I could feel the emotions shift as one in the room. The silence was deafening. I closed my eyes again and saw Soojoo's smile. Her face shifted slowly to a look I knew all too well. The mischievous one, the expression that lovingly told me I had no choice in the matter. My heart fell to my stomach and I knew the next words before they were spoken. "Kim Jisoo?". The groans were loud as hopes were shattered, mine included. My hands were shaking as I opened my eyes, armed only with a promise. I stood slowly, trying to stall as fear mixed with my sorrow.
"God, you're lucky!" the pin-cushioned girl said as I stood. I looked at her, sweat forming on my brow. I was about to say something; maybe offer her my place. The promise kept me from that escape. I just shook my head and headed towards the door I wished was miles away.
The woman with the headset led me down the hall. She was babbling quickly, in an indifferent manner, about what I was to expect. I stopped listening after she told me to stand on a small red X on the stage. I was met, just off the stage, by a young man who fitted me with a wireless mic. He warned me not to touch my chest while I was out there. A man in a green shirt came up and wiped my brow and quickly put some kind of a powder on my face. He warned me the lights would be bright, and I should just look at the judges. I closed my eyes again and saw Soojoo smiling. It didn't slow my heart, but I didn't feel so alone.
I heard my name reverberate in the auditorium. It quieted the audience I hadn't realized was so close. I stood there, my legs unwilling to move. Someone pushed me and I half stumbled towards that little red X. The lights were blinding; I could only make out the first twenty rows behind the four judges' seats. A weak, cordial applause welcomed me to hell. I stopped on the X and turned towards the judges. I could feel the blood driving painfully through my veins.
