I, The Tiger (A Series of Tank Noir Stories)

Death at the Forum

Death at the Forum (with apologies to Mickey Spillane)

The name's Hammer, Mike Hammer. I'm a private detective.

I may not be the swiftest player on the team, but I get there, eventually.

Some say I'm a heavy or a trouble-shooter. Others just call me a dick.

Whatever.

It was late in the morning when I rolled into my office down at the Port warehouse.

I'd had a lot of shots the previous evening and the night had ended with a bang.

My receptionist Emma-Kate Sherman was at her desk, reading the paper.

She welcomed me with, "There's an article in here about the Forum"

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's a big historical structure where fights happen", she said "but that's not important now."

"Have you read it?" she asked.

"Nah" I said. "And I don't have Discord either."

Emma-Kate stared at me. "They say they're going to shut the Forum down".

Now that was news.

I liked the Forum but it was starting to deteriorate.

Some people blamed the rumbling from the heavy weights; others said it was the maintenance or the shaky base.

Last month they'd put in a scale to help control traffic but my buddy Maus broke it when he was pulled over for inspection.

About time that something funny happened on the weigh to the Forum.

"I better check out my source at the vineyard", I said.

"There's bound to be a lot of whining and I don't know if they'll be able to bottle it all up."

Emma-Kate replied, "The Tiger's still in the garage but I can get a rental agency to give you an upgraded P.43."

"They're great!" she said with a smile.

I winced and held my head.

"Hurts?" asked Emma-Kate.

"Nah, let's use Budget", I mumbled.

"Ok", she said. "Just remember to take a BIS"

I didn't really need to but I went anyway.

The route to the vineyard was clear until I got to the viaduct.

There was a string of seven T7 Combat Cars down below and everyone wanted to jump the Shark Tank.

However I got to the piazza on time. From around the corner of a building I heard a loud "Pssst".

I replied, "Yes, I did already"

It was Madame Progetto, along with her British boy toy, Acey Juan.

"Mike, I didn't know you were a Forum member", she said.

Acey sneered at me, "He's more like the short arm of the law."

"Whatever", I replied. "At least my face doesn't have a dil..."

"...do shut up, Acey", interrupted Madame. Acey gave me a look and sulked back behind her.

"Mike, I just came from the Forum and I don't have much time. There's too much heat being thrown about and I've taken a lot of damage."

It was easy to tell. She usually looked pretty hot but now she was smoking.

I asked Madame if she needed a spare fire extinguisher.

It took us a while to stop laughing.

"Many of the Forum members are still obsessed with version 6.0" she complained. "It's 6.0, 6.0, 6.0! I swear they're 6.0 mad!"

"That's a shame Madame. I was hoping maybe you had 15 minutes to kill."

She quickly told me what I needed to know and then abruptly backed up - right into AC Juan.

The crews did their best with the repair kits but it was too much for Madame.

It took them 10 minutes just to get the smile off her face.

Emma-Kate was waiting for me when I got back to the office.

"So what's the word?" she asked.

"Nothing to worry about" I said. "In fact everyone is going to get a Tier 9 French tank destroyer – the AMX 50."

Emma-Kate looked skeptical. "What exactly did your source tell you?" she asked.

"Well Easy, Madame was very clear", I replied.

"All the Forum members are going to get Foch'd."

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After 7 years the World of Tanks Console team decided to shut down the on-line forum. 

The story is written in fond memory and perhaps some of the content will cause a wry smile of recognition.

Besides, you can't have a character like Mike Hammer delivering a punch line that's like a soggy baguette!