Redblaze's Regret {COMPLETE}

Chapter 33

 Redblaze reached Tawnyclaw and Silverheart, who looked almost surprised at his approach. "Tawnyclaw," he began, faltering for a moment. Tawnyclaw's dark blue eyes met his, and a little life had returned to them. "I'm sorry," was all Redblaze could manage. He swore he heard a small purr come from Silverheart.

"For what?" Tawnyclaw replied softly.

Redblaze fumbled for words. "I've been more than horrible to you. All I ever seem to do is pick fights with you, and antagonize you, and take out all my anger on you. There's no excuse for the way I've behaved, and I should have apologized a long time ago. I was just too much of a coward." His eyes flicked to Silverheart. "I'm sorry to both of you."

There was a moment of silence, and for once Redblaze embraced it. Normally he would be desperate for something to fill the silence, something to distract him from the angry, screaming thoughts that plagued his mind when everything else was still. But now his mind was empty, reflective, calm. He began to realize that he was finally on his path to peace.

"You don't have to apologize to me," Tawnyclaw said at last, taking Redblaze by surprise. He watched the old warrior raise his head to meet Redblaze's eyes. "I didn't do everything right, either. I think I see now that some cats can't be helped unless they want it. That's you, Redblaze."

Redblaze shook his head. "But I hurt so many cats. I... I almost killed you." The last words came out as a pained whisper, the images of Tawnyclaw's bloodied body flashing past his vision.

Tawnyclaw let out a low, rumbling purr of amusement. "I may not be the strong, young cat I used to be," he meowed, whiskers twitching, "but it'll take more than that to keep me down." For the first time in moons, there was genuine light in Tawnyclaw's deep blue eyes as they reflected the swirling stars of Silverpelt above. Redblaze couldn't help but purr with him, and Silverheart as well.

"You're talking like you're a whisker away from StarClan," the silver medicine cat mewed, poking Tawnyclaw playfully with a paw. "You've still got a long way to go."

The two cats looked at each other, and Redblaze saw a strange look pass between them. It was a look of familiarity, of understanding, and perhaps something else. He still felt horrible for exposing Tawnyclaw's secret feelings for Silverheart, but now it was something he, and the two cats in front of him, had to live with.

As if sensing his thoughts, Silverheart turned and said to him, "It's okay, Redblaze."

Redblaze nodded slowly. "I'm still sorry," he replied, then looked back at Tawnyclaw. "It was cruel of me to act like you haven't had any achievements in life."

Tawnyclaw shrugged. "It was," he agreed. "But I don't feel bad about it. I don't think I could have done better even with nine lives. I've served my Clan well, and I'll get to do so for many more moons. I've trained apprentices into skilled warriors, and for just a short while, I had a kit of my own. And it was good enough for me." His eyes glazed over with sadness.

Without speaking a word, Silverheart reached out to place a paw on one of Tawnyclaw's, as he added, "She would have been an amazing warrior."

"She would have," Silverheart echoed sadly.

Redblaze kneaded the cold snow with his paws, looking up to the sky. He suddenly found himself speaking. "I think I'm finally realizing the impact one cat can have on a whole Clan. Maplenose tried to tell me before, but I was too wrapped up in anger to listen." His companions were watching him now, and he met their gazes. "Everyone in RiverClan loved her. Cats from other Clans liked her." He thought of Icetail and Snakefang, and Rainfleck. "Flamepelt loved her. And I've forgotten just how much I looked up to her when I was a new apprentice. She was a good cat, and I really do miss her."

Knowing how horrible he'd felt over the last moon, Redblaze wondered if it was anything close to how Minnowpaw had felt, thinking that her Clanmates were dying because of her. Somehow he knew it wasn't. Minnowpaw had wanted to die herself rather than see another Clanmate die. He remembered Rainfleck telling him about that day in the forest. Her curse had weighed on her so heavily, and all she had wanted to do was prevent her Clan from feeling any more pain. In a way, that's what he had been wanting, too. But now he actually had the chance to help his Clan, to live for them, like Sorrelstream had told him to. Minnowpaw couldn't, but he could. And that was just what he was going to do.

By the time the pale morning sunlight began to filter through the bare branches of the forest and RiverClan awakened, Ashstar was awake in the medicine den, and that's the first place Redblaze's paws took him when he woke. He uncurled himself from his nest, trying not to wake Sorrelstream, who had slept next to him, and padded towards the sound of Nightwhisper's voice and the strong smell of herbs. He poked his head into the den to announce his arrival before entering, and saw Ashstar sitting up, looking tired but alive as he spoke with Nightwhisper.

"Ah, Redblaze," Nightwhisper meowed, as if he'd been expecting the young warrior to show up. "We were just talking about you." He was in surprisingly high spirits, and it caught Redblaze off guard for a moment.

"Talking about me?" he echoed, confused.

Ashstar turned to face Redblaze, moving a little stiffly, no doubt from the cold. "You did very well yesterday, Redblaze, and I'm proud of you. You and the rest of the patrol acted quickly, and you acted like a leader. Because of you Ripplekit is alive."

Redblaze felt his leader's praise deep within him, then recoiled a bit. "But you lost a life," he countered. "Maybe we weren't quick enough."

Ashstar flicked his tail to silence Redblaze. "That's nonsense," he said. "None of you had control over that, and it was a life well spent to save Ripplekit. That's why I was given my nine lives as a leader, to use each of them to protect my Clanmates." After a moment of silence, he added in a lighter voice, "And I've still got two left, so you're stuck with me for a while yet."

Redblaze couldn't help the twitching of his whiskers in amusement at Ashstar's words. Then his mind settled on what his leader had said. Two lives left? Somehow, that didn't seem like a lot at all, and in the back of Redblaze's mind, it worried him.

Ashstar cleared his throat and spoke again. "Have you spoken to Tawnyclaw? I heard what happened after the accident. I can't imagine how he must have felt."

Redblaze was taken aback at the friendly nature of this conversation, one that seemed to be happening between friends rather than a warrior and his leader. It made him feel... trusted. "I actually talked with him last night. Silverheart gave him some herbs and he seemed to be getting better. We... we reconciled," was all he said, knowing there was no way to put into words the feelings that had passed between the three cats under the moonlight.

Ashstar's eyes brightened and he nodded his head once. "That's good to hear," he purred. "I'm glad you've found your way back to the Clan."

Redblaze dipped his head in embarrassment. "Well, I honestly couldn't have done it without everyone's help. You've all pushed through my stubbornness to help bring me back to reality." He thought a little, then added, "You've been trying to do that all along."

Ashstar flicked his ears. "Yes, I have. I was afraid it wouldn't happen, but you've grown, Redblaze. I'm very proud of you, and I know Maplenose and Flamepelt are, too."

Redblaze's heart warmed at Ashstar's words. What he was doing, how he had been behaving, was finally being noticed, and he was making a real difference. All this time, he had been afraid of changing and moving past everything that had happened. But it was really the only thing he'd needed. He had been so selfish and stubborn and immature, but now he was growing up. His Clan was coming to respect him, and he had learned to respect them in turn. Everything was becoming exactly as it was supposed to be.