The Ghost of You

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I flinched at the sound of the breaking plates outside my room.

I plugged my earphones in my ears and sat on the corner of my bed before I covered myself with a blanket. I let myself drown in the darkness of the room and the music that was playing.

Frankie… 

Sinubukan kong tawagan si Frankie pero hindi ito sumasagot kaya naman wala akong nagawa’t nanatili na lang sa aking silid at umiyak nang umiyak. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko nang kuhain ko ang aking phone dahil nag-vibrate ito. Isang mensahe mula sa taong inaasahan ko ang bumungad sa akin.

Mabilis kong tinanggal ang aking earphones at sumilip sa labas. Nang makasigurado na wala na ang mga magulang ko at tahimik na ay mabilis akong lumabas ng bahay dahil ang sabi ni Frankie ay nasa labas siya.

“Tiff.”

I jumped towards him and let him wrap me in his arms. Frankie patted me on my shoulder when I suddenly sobbed.

“Hey, come on, let’s go to my house. Tulog naman na sila mommy,” anyaya niya bago ako inalalayan sa paglalakad.

He held me on my shoulders as we walked. I remained quiet the entire time. Good thing that it was already midnight so there were a few people on the streets.

Frankie and I quietly went to their backyard where there was a swing under the tree. It was made of blankets that were tied in a rope. Nakasabit ito sa malaking puno at madalas ay si Frankie o ang ate niya ang gumagamit nito. Minsan ay dito pa sila natutulog kapag mahangin. I tried once before and it was actually comforting.

“Do you want some hot milk or a cold one?” Frankie asked once I settled myself on the swing.

I smiled at him. “Hot one, please.”

He nodded before he went back inside the house to prepare my drink. I stomped my feet on the ground and let myself go back and forth as if I was becoming part of the wind. I looked up at the night sky and stared at the stars that were shining brightly.

Ang kalmado at tahimik ngayon hindi kagaya kanina sa bahay na puro sigawan. Gusto kong manatili na lang rito pero alam ko naman na temporary lang ito kagaya ng mga nakaraan. Kapag sumilip muli ang araw ay siya rin pagbalik ko sa aking pamilya.

It was suffocating, I know. But, everyone in that house was broken. I know that. Despite everything, they were still my family. Umalis na ang panganay nila at iniwan sila kaya naman ayokong pati ako na bunso ay mawala sa kanila.

When Frankie came back with my milk, he handed it to me and sat on the ground in front of me. He looked up at me but didn’t say a word.

I avoided his gaze and sipped on my milk. “Ever since we were young, my brother and I already knew how broken our parents were. My mom got pregnant, that's why dad married her. Mayaman si daddy pero si mommy? Sakto lang pero hindi pasado para sa mga Siopangco. My mom worked hard to give my grandparents a comfortable life, you know. And I admire her for that. Everything she used was her money. She didn’t ask dad for it unless it was for us, their children. But, my father’s family still doesn’t approve of her now.”

Pumikit ako nang mariin para labanan ang luha na nagbabalak tumakas mula sa aking mga mata. Huminga ako nang malalim bago muling dumilat at tinuon ang pansin sa mga bituin na nagniningning sa kalangitan.

“I also know that at some point in life, they loved each other. My father admires my mother. I even saw some old love letters that my dad wrote for my mom. But, I guess it wasn’t enough. Gusto ni mommy na magustuhan siya ng pamilya ni daddy. At dahil proud sila sa akin, pakiramdam niya ay may nagawa rin siyang mabuti para sa mga Siopangco. And maybe it was the reason that I’m still trying hard. I want her to be proud of me, too. At alam ko naman na mangyayari lang iyon kapag naging mas proud pa sa akin sina tita. I'm my mom's only asset."

Even when I wanted to live like the others where they could be with their friends or fall in love, I know that was a luxury I cannot have. If I wanted my family to be proud of me, I should meet or exceed their expectations

Frankie held my gaze when I looked at him. His eyes lit up as the corner of his lips curved upward. The way his smile seemed to comfort me made me burst into tears. The tears I was holding back.

Mabilis siyang tumayo at lumapit sa akin. Walang pasabi kong ipinatong ang aking ulo sa kanyang tiyan habang siya naman ay maingat na inalalayan ang aking ulo. 

He stayed quiet as he caressed my hair while I kept sobbing on his shirt.

“I’m proud of you, Tiff. Always proud of you,” he muttered.

I took a deep breath before pulling myself away from him and wiping my tears. He chuckled when he saw my face which made me pout.

“Stop staring,” I told him when he kept on staring at my face.

“Well, I can’t help it. You’re still pretty even when you’re crying.”

I scoffed. “What’s this? Why are you suddenly complimenting me?”

My heartbeat almost stopped when I looked up at him. Even under the dark, Frankie shines like the stars. He was so tall that even when I was standing, I had to look up just to see his face. Kahit na matangkad siya ay never akong nanliit kapag katabi ko siya. Kahit na matalino siya’t magaling sa sports ay wala akong naramdaman na inggit o panliliit. Ang alam ko lang sy gusto kong maabot niya lahat ng pangarap niya. I also know how proud his mother was. Frankie was someone that a person could be proud of. Siya iyong taong dapat ipagmalaki at ipakilala sa lahat pero iyon ang bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin.

And we know that the bridge was getting more visible each day.

I know that I was being unfair to him. There’s really nothing I could do for him. Even when he was there for me, I couldn’t be there for him. Not always.

He always chooses me over anyone else, but there was only one option for me to choose from. An option where he wasn’t included.

“As if you didn’t know you’re pretty. You always hear those types of compliments,” he shrugged. “And I want to say it to you, too.”

“To comfort me?”

“Maybe? Just because…”

Umiling ako bago inubos ang ang gatas na kanina lang ay mainit pero ngayon ay malamig na.

Pareho kami nanahimik. Nakatayo pa rin siya sa aking harapan habang ang mga tingin ko ay nasa kanyang paa.

I heaved a deep sigh. “Thank you, Frankie.”

“Hmm?”

Kahit na hindi ko siya nakikita ay alam kong nakatingin siya sa akin. Ramdam kong ang mga titig niya ay nasa akin lang.

“Wala lang. I just wanted to thank you.”

And I also want to say sorry but I know he didn’t want to hear that.

He hated my smile and he also hated to hear me say the word sorry.

Still, I always felt sorry for not giving him the things he wanted from me. That even when he gave me assurance, I couldn’t do the same thing because my decision would always be the same.

My family will always come first.