wishes | lee yubin

eighteen.

i was staring at the bottle on the table. again, my vision was getting blurry like everything happening around me was a bad dream. i wanted to wake up so bad, i wanted this to be over. i couldn't get sober now, my inner self was against me receiving more from the outside world.

sitting there, waiting for anything to happen. it must've been such a nice view.

"hey, do you have some more for me?" i asked the first person who came to me.

"i guess you had enough tonight."

even though i couldn't look up, the voice was familiar to me. "no, i need more."

"silly you! i should take you home or something, it's over for you this time. does you brain work to the point you can tell me your address?"

"my what? i'm here now."

"i hope there's someone who knows where you live or i think bora wouldn't be so happy to see you like that."

it seemed like a second since soyeon left and two pair of shoes came to my seat. my state was that bad that i didn't fight for my freedom when they tried to get me up on my feet.

"are you sure you can make it home? i could go with you, no problem for me."

"it's alright," said dami and grabbed my hand tightly to be sure i'm not gonna sit down again. "it's late and our apartment isn't that far from here. but thanks anyway."

i suddenly sought alcohol again, which got rejected by yubin. i thought she was angry enough to let me do whatever i wanted to but i was wrong, she probably cared about me after all.

"why are you smiling?" questioned the girl holding my hand. "are you turning into psycho or what?"

"you still care about me, don't you?" i shared my thoughts with the other two girls. "we are still friends, aren't we?"

i started giggling because nobody was willing to answer. "got ya!"

"thank you, soyeon," yubin turned her back on me. "i guess let's call it a night. and you!" i sensed her angry eyes on me. "you should try to put yourself together, we're going on a morning trip."

"are we visiting zoo? because i'll have to protest if we don't."

"what is wrong with you? jesus!"

"have a nice trip, guys." soyeon left us and i was happy yubin kept me company out of all the other people. except for minji who was now sleeping on the sofa in the other room. it could've been three hours since i had been trying to talk to her but i had been too afraid to wake her up.

"we should go now," suggested yubin. "the longer we are here, the worse for you."

"wait," i stopped her when she dragged me to the front door. "what about minji?"

"what about her?"

"she fell asleep and i don't wanna leave her. she can't stay here alone."

"well, isn't it too late to consider that? you should've been responsible and not drink yourself to shit. that's what is called dedicated. i can't see that in you, you wouldn't do that for minji, huh? and minji wouldn't probably do that for you as well."

i had enough. why is she talking about my relationship again? i needed to get home and sleep until the last brain cell in me dies.

the walk downtown was scary. not only because there was no one around us or because the sky was so dark that night. yubin was also silent so that the only sound, which echoed in the street we were walking, was our shoes meeting the ground.

"talk to me," the first pleading tone left my throat and i hoped that yubin would hear it. there was nothing more killing than silence in silence.

"there is nothing to talk about. these days you are such a dork."

"that's not an option, that's the way i am. i've always been a dork."

"i refuse to join this conversation."

"no, please. i mean it, i'm a dork but i'm also happy to be around you and my friends because that's the only situation i don't feel like the rest of the day. believe me."

"i think i believe you but you don't prove it enough for others to see."

"what can i do then?"

yubin stopped on her tracks. "don't tell me you don't know that. you're such a dork."

i couldn't let out a sound for the rest of the walk. my head started to hurt even more and i felt the upcoming headache that would follow.

the most embarrassing moment of the night happened when yubin took the keys of our apartment and unlocked the door. i left her there standing and made my way to the toilet. it was horrible and there's no need to describe it in details.

memories of the nights i was drunk were replaying in my head. every time i was sitting there, i told myself i wouldn't do that again. i obviously failed.

i heard knocking and yubin's voice. i wasn't paying attention to what she said since i'd be too embarrassed to let her in. it was another thing that had changed. normally i wouldn't have a problem with that. but now i couldn't let yubin to see me like this. i didn't feel safe there anymore.

"when you're finished, tell me."

this sentence caused the end of party experiences. i laid down on the soft carpet and swam in the nothingness inside of me.

i didn't know what to expect the next morning. of course i would have to call minji if she arrived home alright. then i had to face yubin and her comments. what could be worse? laying there with an unbearable hangover. my life was falling into pieces. slowly. but still, i had to do something with everything that kept me up at night. at least i had minji next to me. without her, i'd really be alone and helpless. too bad i had no idea that this was just a start and that the first step i made with minji would lead to important changes in my life.