wishes | lee yubin

sixteen.

[present]

the table was full of empty bottles. i couldn't stand up and finish any home work i was supposed to do. the feeling inside me was too hard to handle. but why? i hadn't felt this way in a really long time. with the hope that few bottles would erase everything what was on my mind, i started feeling lost.

"what have i done?" i asked myself holding a bottle of martini on the table. "this isn't a way to forget."

i was angry at myself. i thought i would never do that again, especially after figuring out that drinking can't make a person happier.

i laid my head on the table, not minding the freedom blowing in my mind. i had enough. my stomach was full of the sweet liquor and my head started spinning a bit.

"look at yourself now, you haven't grown at all," i told the woman who had just put herself in a drunken state.

i heard the key in the front door. as soon as it opened, light steps were travelling through the hall to the kitchen where i was laying half awake, half in a different universe.

"hi, i bought some chinese food, hope you'll li-"

i could guess what was the reason for the long pause. she must've noticed the empty bottles and my figure looking out the window.

"are you okay?"

i didn't answer, the energy inside me was close to zero. i realised it was a really big mistake. well, i had been so stressed out and confused and then a really strange feeling had surrounded me so the only thing that had come to my mind had been alcohol. and now i seemed like a person that couldn't take care of her own self.

"hey, are you okay?"

i felt yubin putting her hands on my shoulders and looking at me with so much curiosity written in her face.

"why did you do that?" her voice was now calmer when she saw i wasn't asleep. "is there something i should know? or have something happened?"

"it's nothing," i murmured. "just feelings playing with me."

she sat on the other chair and laid her head on the table as well, facing me. now our eyes were on the same level, looking deeply into each other.

"i still want to know, you can tell me and i'll try my best to help you."

as usual, my mind did whatever it wanted to, not minding my own safety. so the filter, that would normally warn me about the words i couldn't say out loud, disappeared. and i was ready to say everything that bothered me.

"i'm sorry for everything, yubin. even the brightest of my days can be filled with regret. i haven't felt this in a while. but i do now and i'm scared. i told you many times that something squeezed my heart so tight i couldn't breathe. the same is happening right now and i thought i could stop it before you come back. i guess i failed again. in so many ways. i can't imagine being the unproblematic person. so i'm sorry for being a burden to you."

"you are not," she smiled a bit when i finished my speech. "after all, we were best friends for a really long time, you helped me a lot. now i'm here to help you as well."

"and i treated you bad," i spoke up again. "imagine being quiet your whole life but having so much in your mind. i haven't taken the chance to say everything i want to say. my life would be different, just like yours. i'm sorry for that too. maybe i'll regret this as soon as i get sober but anyway, you're one of the most important people in my life. i can't keep it to myself, i like you too much to let you go. the day we had to say goodbye was really hard for me and i don't want to go through this again. please. i'm sorry."

the alcohol in my veins was too much to handle. nothing had made me this emotional like looking at her with world spinning around us.

she came closer and kissed me on the cheek. she was too close i could hear her breathing.

"i warned you many times, don't say personal stuff when you're drunk, you'll feel like a fool later. but it doesn't matter as long as it's only me hearing your confession."

"can i kiss you now?" i said out of sudden. "i don't remember how your lips taste anymore."

she raised her head and looked at all those empty bottles before turning back at me. "are you sure?" a smile appeared on her lips.

"i could regret a lot of things but kissing you isn't one of them," i confessed. "now, kiss me."

"okay," she nodded. and a second after, she pressed her lips on mine. i closed my eyes and tried to keep every single detail in my memory.

"don't go," i pleaded when she pulled away. soon i wrapped my arms around her watching how she hesitated. but in the end it was me who connected our lips again. this time, none of us interrupted our small moment.

i played with yubin's long hair while trying to stay as close to her as possible. her arms were wrapped around my waist, our mouths moving in sync.

i missed this so much. after a long long time not seeing each other.

"we shouldn't do this," yubin pointed out when we were breathing heavily after our make out.

"but it's not forbidden."

"would the sober you do the same in this situation? i need to know."

"with you? of course i'd do the same. it's still me now, only more honest than in sober state." i was hypnotising her lips the whole time. "you have no idea how many times i was hoping for holding you like this again."

"was it still you back then? the day you kissed me during the truth or dare game?"

i was searching in my memory but nothing like kissing yubin during that day didn't come to my mind.