𝐏𝐈𝐆𝐄𝐎𝐍: 𝐚 𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤

𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞

TW: I talk about my horrible mental health, sewerslide, and sh in this vent and I also swear a lot.

This time of year is always very difficult for me, but this year is one of the worst. My mental health is getting out of control and I don't know what to do about it. One of my best friends just went to the hospital a few days ago because she was feeling suicidal and I had a suspicion that's why she wasn't answering me, but I just had it confirmed today. I was also in a shit mood all day because I was anxious and worried about my friend (she's doing okay and should be home soon dw). But I also just hate everything, I feel like a vacuum, I suck up any emotions and I just let it sit all bottled up.

I'm so angry and sad all the time and I just want to fucking die. I don't feel like I can tell anyone this because no one deserves to be burdened with my stupid shit. I also don't want people to think I'm doing it for attention, because I really am feeling absolutely awful, I just don't know how to ask for help. I want to see a therapist or something but I don't think either of my parents can afford that right now. I just feel so fucking terrible and no one notices because I don't talk about it because my job is to make sure everyone else is doing okay. But no one asks if I'm alright.

I always tell my fiends how much I love them but it feels like they all care about each other more than me. I'm like the least favorite friend. And if I look at it rationally I'm sure my brain is just making up bullshit, but what if it's not? I have no talent, I'm not pretty, or funny, or good at anything. I just have a cool basement so we all hang out at my house. That's all I'm good for.

I also found out a few weeks ago that the mom of one of my friends thinks I taught her child how to self harm. I'm sorry, what the fuck are you talking about? I was so incredibly hurt and upset, I literally had fucking breakdown about it later that night. Because have been in a place where I wanted to hurt myself really badly and I would never encourage anyone to do that. Ever. Because I don't want anyone to feel like how I'm feeling now.

I honestly don't know what the point of writing this was, I guess I just needed to get all this out of my system. I hope things get better, I want them to I just don't think they will. Maybe it's just a seasonal thing, but I've been slowing spiraling for a couple months now so who knows. I hope all of you guys are doing okay, and my pms are always open if you need someone to talk to.