One String Attached

98.

"Okay," she says, letting it go. She knew not to push me and so passes my phone back into my hand. "But while you're sat here moping, I'm going to be on the dance floor. Okay?"
She doesn't let me respond before she turns around and begins to head off, leaving me on my own. I appreciated that she was trying to get me to loosen up and have fun, at least for one night, but fun was the last thing on my agenda. 

I turn my legs in as I sat by the counter on one of the stools upfront and I turn my phone on to check for any notifications once again, but as I had expected, there weren't any. 

I look around me and try to familiarise myself with the countless mounts of people making up the atmosphere in here but it didn't feel the same without having James here.
The place was nice, but it wasn't like our normal nights out. 

Grace was good company, but she wasn't the company I was longing for. Usually there would be one or two bartenders I had frown to know but I didn't know anyone here and they certainly didn't know me. 

"You gonna drink that?" a voice beside me says. 

I turn my head around, lifting it up to see a dark-haired man sat next to me who was also looking aimlessly at his phone.
I shrug my shoulders and pass the glass of wine over to him, then I watch him intently when he raises it to bring the glass to his lips, chugging the substance down with one gulp. 

He wasn't looking at me. His eyes were purely fixed on his phone and I have to hold my breath to stop myself from saying anything.
I never tended to talk to people in these sort of places unless I was truly comfortable. And right now I was far from comfortable. 

So the same way he was scrolling through his phone, I grab my device and scan through my camera roll, looking through the numerous pictures of James, the kids and I.
The longer I scrutinise each photo, the clearer the creases along my forehead become and before I know it, the guy was talking again. 

"How comes you're here? I wouldn't place a pretty girl like you in a habitat like this," he says. 

I look up at him, turning my phone face down on the counter. "I don't see why my reasoning behind being here is any of your business and I don't exactly appreciate the compliment either."

He lifts his hands up by his head in surrender. "Hey, I meant no harm by it. I'm just curious. I wouldn't normally expect to find girls like you in this kind of setting." 

"Trust me," I scoff. "You know nothing." 

He glances around me, as if he was searching for answers, but I wasn't particularly sure of what he might have been looking for.

"You're married with children," he says, making me look at him with a raised eyebrow before watching as he gestures down to my ring and then at my phone.
"That's a beautiful ring only a guy who was truly in love would get for their girl. And no one comes out to sit on their phone the entire time unless they're freakishly paranoid or if they have kids." 

I suppose he was right, about both things. 

"Well, I mean you're on your phone too. Does that make you a parent too?" I question, looking over his hands only to not find any  ring evident at all. 

He shakes his head, chuckling softly. "Nope. That makes me the freakishly paranoid person. I'm almost positive my girlfriend is cheating on me," he sneers, making me close my eyes, my breath heavy.
He wouldn't be the only one. 

I wonder what hurts more. Which is more difficult? Finding out your partner has cheated on you or suspecting they've cheated?
At least if you know, it's official. But if you're suspecting, it's a huge headache and you begin to question everything.
I knew something was up with James before. But I wouldn't have suspected him to have been cheating. 

"I've gotta go," I mumble, raising my head and grabbing my phone and jacket.
Coming here was a mistake. What was I doing talking to a guy I didn't even know? The last thing I want to do is make the same mistake James did. 

"Why so fast?"

He stretches his hand out to move to my arm, stopping me from going anywhere for a moment and it causes my breathing to hitch. 

I look into his eyes only to see the same shade as James's. This was all so wrong.
"I'm sorry," I mutter. "I really can't be here. If you see a girl in a red silk dress, tell her I couldn't stay." 

"Why? What's happened?" 

I close my eyes shut, breathing in again to stop myself from completely panicking. I didn't want to overthink and I didn't want to overreact. But I could sense it coming on and that was exactly what led to the heart palpitations last week.

I take a few deep breaths, unconsciously fiddling my ring around my finger.
James had gotten me a ring bigger than my finger for that specific reason when we got married. So I could play around with it whenever I was anxious and remember I had him. And as long as I had him, everything would be okay. 

But now we aren't okay. 

Now when I think of him, I can't help feeling sick to my stomach. 

"I- I really can't," I try to speak up as I stood up but my head fuzzes and it begins to get dizzy again, just like last time. 

The guy moves his hands to my shoulders, holding me still for a moment before directing my chin up for my eyes to meet his.
"It's okay. I need you to breathe, okay?" he tells me, making me keep my eyes closed as I nodded, listening to his every word. 

I pay attention to the feel of his thumb beneath my chin while he held me still and I listen to the heartbeats inside my chest. 

God, I'm so pathetic. 

"Now look at me," he whispers. 

I reopen my eyes to glance at him and then he smiles gently. "If you need to go, then go. Otherwise go and spend some time with yourself. Trust me, alone time helps a tonne," he says. 

I nod and then he lets go of me, allowing me to walk out of there without another word spoken.

As I strode past everyone, I noticed Grace steal a quick glance over towards me but I continue moving before she could call me over. 

Maybe the guy was right. 

Maybe I did need to spend some time alone, away from everyone. 

Maybe I had lost myself in the midst of everything. 

Maybe I needed to try finding myself again.