One String Attached

67.

.Riley.

I've taken Autumn out for a walk
I think both you and I need to clear our heads right now
I'm giving you some space but when you're ready for us to talk  properly then let me know
I love you regardless
J.

Sighing, I put the note back down on my drawer and look up as the door to the bedroom opens for the heads of my two children to appear.
Asher was stood in front of Aaliyah as they both peered in to see if I was awake but as soon as my eyes meet theirs, I shake my head to myself and pull the duvet over to gesture for them to get over here.

"Come here, kids," I say softly. A small smile builds up on both of their faces as they hurry over to me before jumping onto the bed and cuddling up on either side of my body.

I kiss each one of their heads, holding them close to me with an arm wrapped around each of them. Aaliyah smiles and buries her head against my chest whilst Asher curls up by my side, his arms draped around me. He definitely was his father's child.

"I love you both so much," I whisper to them. Even though they don't respond, I knew they loved me back. Or at least I hoped so.

I have to win this court case if I want to keep them safe. I have to win this to keep me happy and healthy and I have to win this for the good of everyone.
It would benefit everyone if Bryson was thrown into jail. But I also know that what Nathan told me before is fully correct. There's no winning this if James and I aren't on the same page.

"Mummy, where's Daddy?" Asher asks, raising his head to look up at me, and when he does, I sigh, combing my fingers through his soft curls.
"He's with Autumn, darling. He'll be back soon though, okay?"
"Auty," he giggles to himself at the mention of his little sister and it makes me smile to myself.

At least there's one thing in my life that will never change - and that's the love I have for each of my children.
If you had told me before that I'd be a mother of three at the age of 28, I would have thought you were crazy - but I've grown to love it and despite how stressful it can be sometimes, I know now that I couldn't want anything more.

. . . 

That same day, I met up with Nathan again to talk to him about everything, just after I had dropped the kids off at Emily's.
She and Wyatt had gone back to sorting everything out between them both and they're seemingly willing to make it work, which I'm glad about. It meant at least one of our relationships were going well and that was good enough for me, even if my own marriage was slowly tumbling down.

I met Nathan in Parkour Alley and the two of us strolled down the path where the kids would normally to stop to go and play on the adventure trail. The last time that had happened was when I first told James all about Bryson originally texting me and that was when things started to deteriorate.

Life after giving birth to Asher and Aaliyah, before Bryson decided to worm his way inside, was so simple and easy. It was filled with smiles and joy and laughter and happiness. But now it's filled with mood swings and arguments and swearing and victim blaming. 

Is it so hard for us to just go back to the way things were? Am I the one stopping us from going back to then? Maybe I'm the reason James cheated. Maybe I'm the reason Aaliyah hated me. Maybe I'm the reason Autumn was born so dangerously early. Maybe I'm the reason for Wyatt and Emily's most recent argument.

"Ri," Nathan whispers to me while we walked alongside one another. I lift my head up to look away from the ground where several dog footprints had been engraved into the dried-up mud, and then I face my brother-in-law. "Stop it," he tells me.
"Stop what, Nate?" I breathe out. "Seriously. Tell me. Because right now I have no idea what I'm doing or what I need to do or what I have done. I don't know what to think anymore and I just wish all this shit never happened in the first place."

"I know," he whispers. We come to a stand-still and he stands in front of me, looking right at me.
"No, you don't know."
"Okay, maybe not. But that doesn't mean I don't understand," he tells me, causing me to roll my eyes at him before looking towards the ground again.

I honestly just thought this was a lost cause now. What's the point in trying to get through to me if I'm only going to spiral all over again in around about a month's time? It's like a repetend cycle with me and I know it.
There's something wrong with me and everyone thinks it. There's something wrong with my mind. The way I think. And it affects everything and everyone but they act like they don't.

"Stop it, Riley," he says again, pulling me out of my thoughts. I bite my lip, looking up at him once more but this time a more delicate image represented his features.

"How?" I mumble.
"Go on. Tell me how on earth I can stop myself. Because I can't. Ever since University, I just can't do it. I can't go back to my normal self. It's like I'm trapped inside this shell and I can't escape. It's like I'm some sort of snail carrying my entire past on my back along with my negative thoughts and fears about the future and it's weighing me down and I just can't move anymore. I can't do anything and I just want it all to stop but it won't, Nathan. Things keep on happening one after the other and it's driving me insane."

I pause to take in the look on his face but after he says nothing at all, I just sigh and shake my head.
"If you're not gonna say anything and you're just here to make a joke out of me then this is a waste of time," I say, about to turn around to leave but before I have the chance, he stops me and pulls me back by the arm.

"Let it out, Ri," he says with the subtle nod of his head. "Okay. Have a rage. Go ballistic. Shout at me. Do whatever. But don't stop talking," he instructs.
I shake my head, thinking that this was stupid. What good was talking going to do apart from make me feel worse about myself? But looking at Nathan now, I knew he wasn't about to let me leave.

There were so many things flowing through my head. So many things rushing at once that it only seemed to make my brain crash and just as I open my mouth to let something out - anything I could . . . I just can't.
I didn't know where to start. I didn't know how to make sense of it. I didn't know anything anymore.

"Riley," he whispers to me softly, his voice reminding me of James's - and as soon as that realisation hits me, I find myself sinking deeper.

A single tear rolls down my cheek, light and moist and filled with all the emotions inside of me, and as one falls, so does another. They drip and they drop, just like rain. A thundercloud loomed in over the top of our heads and the timing couldn't have been any better. Because the more tears I let out, the more dark the clouds grow.

Nathan takes no hesitation in taking those few minor steps forwards before wrapping his arms around me like a blanket, holding me close to him and resting his chin on top of my shoulder.
He'd always been like a brother to me and right now he was proving to me that our relation to each other was never going to change. He'd been there for me ever since James and I first dated. He's not going anywhere now.

Everyone might hate me but he doesn't. And that's good enough for me.

"Call him, Riley," he whispers into my ear, causing me to close my eyes and breathe out. "Listen to what he has to say."

"What if he hates me?" I whisper against his shoulder, but I feel him firmly shake his head, his grip on me not loosening.

"I don't think that's possible when a guy like him is that much in love with you," he says back to me gently, making me sigh.

I just hope he was right.