One String Attached

53.

.James.

I don't think I've ever been more of an idiot than I am now. 

I never meant to do what I did. Hell, I never would have even thought of doing it but I guess sometimes in life everyone ends up doing the unexpected at some point in time. I just don't think neither Riley or I thought it would be as bad as this.

I hardly even remember the night one bit. All I know is that it was a couple of months back. Probably around the time Riley had first found out she was pregnant with Autumn. 

I'd spoken to Eldon about everything that was going on - with Aaliyah going missing, with Bryson being around and Riley failing to communicate with me properly, with the stress of the studio, with Emily and her miscarriage and Hunter leaving her.
I told him everything and he suggested that all of us boys should go for a night out: him, West, Daniel, Luke, Theo, John and I. I can't remember all the details but I know I must have been extremely stressed to have gone to the extremes of getting myself that intoxicated.

I rarely ever drink nowadays. Back when we were teenagers, I would drink constantly, smoke all the time, go to parties and hangouts daily. That was before Riley entered my life.
Ever since the two of us started dating, I've had a more protective approach around her. I stopped all of that just for her. So that we could be in a relationship and I could win her over, without her feeling scared or worried around me when we went out. She was the first person to get me out of the funk I had found myself in but now she's also the person who's set me back into it.

That night I was in severe need of something. Anything. I hadn't been drunk in so long. I hadn't smoked since I was sixteen. As bad as it sounds, I needed that feeling of letting go.
I know how terrible of a person it makes me. If I could go back in time, I would stop it from happening and would have made sure I stayed home with Ri instead but I didn't. I went out with those boys and the more I watched them slack of, taking drink after drink and smoke after smoke, I had to do the same.

I was so inebriated I didn't even realise when I got drunk. If you were to ask me now, I wouldn't even have been able to remember the girl's name. She was probably around the same age as Ri and I. Black hair, most likely dyed. I don't know who she was. I don't know what she sounded like. I can barely even remember what she was wearing that night.
But I regret it. I so badly regret it.

Riley was still in hospital with Autumn. She was permitted to stay there for as long as Autumn would be and I'm sure she saw that as a benefit right now, considering the circumstance. There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much I hadn't had the chance to tell her earlier but I couldn't. I had to wait for her to process what she had just found out and I knew that would take time.
I'm only just beginning to process it now too.

There's a creek from the stairs as I sat on the sofa with my head in my hands, elbows on my knees while I thought about everything.
At the sudden sound, I tilt my head to the side and look up, only for my eyes to land on Asher as he stood midway on the staircase, his hand gripping the banister, which causes me to sigh.

"Hey, little man," I say, succumbing to the small smile that finds its way onto my lips. If I couldn't be strong for myself, I had to at least try and stay strong for the kids. "Why aren't you in bed?"

He looks down, biting his lip before taking the last couple of steps down to the bottom, then he begins to toddle over to me. Once he gets close enough, I reach down and place my hands under his arms to pull him up and sit him down on my lap, allowing him to curl up to me by resting his head against my chest, closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath he had kept inside of him.

"Where's Mummy?" he asks once again. It had become the one recurring question over the past year. His mother's been so distant lately and it's all been because of one person.
But this time I can assure you, Bryson wasn't to blame.
This time it was me.

"She's with your little sister at the hospital," I whisper to him, rubbing his back lightly. 
"Autty?" he asks, his voice soft and gentle. The sound of the nickname makes my small smile broaden as I ruffle his small tufts of hair.
"Yeah, buddy. Little Autty."

He smiles to himself and brings his hand up to his lips to cover it - something I know for a fact, Ri found adorable about him.
"Is Mummy okay?" he questions, making me sigh. The last thing Asher needed was the thought of his mum suffering, even if she is.
"Why wouldn't she be?"

"Because she's in the hospital," he whispers. "I saw her crying one time," he tells me, making my heart break at his words. "She was in the bedroom. And I opened the door and she was on the floor crying. So I went to hug her but she was still crying."

"Sometimes hugs just aren't enough, Ash . . . Sometimes the things we're upset about are so bad that it takes time to heal."
"Like when I fall over in the playground and start bleeding?" he asks, looking up at me and moving his hand to my chin, touching the small tiny hairs that make up my shaven beard. 
"Something like that," I respond, moving my lips to his forehead.

"Mummy always kisses it better," he tells me, making me smile softly to myself as I look down at his chocolate brown eyes, the ones similar to mine. "Would she feel better if I gave her a kiss when I see her?"
"I'm sure it will, Ash," I tell him.

"When will I see Mummy? We were with Auntie Em for a long time, Dada."
"You can see her tomorrow? Then you can see Autumn as well."
"Autty," he giggles, making me chuckle softly as I nod my head, finally being able to switch my mind off from all the drama and focus on my son and him only.

There's another soft creek from behind me, but this time when I raise my head and look around, I find Aaliyah stood against the wall in her Minnie Mouse onesie.
She held Bunny, her small little teddy bear, in her left hand while her weight shifted from one foot to the other as her highly packed ponytail swayed against the wall.

Her eyes meet mine and when they do, I was expecting her to turn around and run back up the stairs, pretending she hadn't seen me.
But after only two seconds of contemplating, she soon rushes over and jumps onto the sofa, shuffling up close to my side and curling her body beside mine, wrapping her arms around my torso and resting her head by her brother's.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, closing her eyes tightly. 

I sigh to myself, shaking my head and rubbing her back as well after wrapping an arm around her body. 
If only she knew what I had done only a couple of months back to destroy the entire family . . . 

"I'm sorry too, princess," I whisper. "So sorry, LiLi."