One String Attached

91.

.James.

We hadn't spoken since I told her the truth.
We didn't say a word when we put the kids to bed. We didn't say a word when we tried to finish watching a movie with them. We didn't say a word when we slid under the duvet of the bed.
We didn't even look at each other. 

I couldn't sleep.
We lay with our backs to each other while I faced the wall, Riley facing the mirrors. I couldn't see her but after spending years of sleeping next to her by her side I got to know how she feels at certain times. 

She wasn't sleeping right now. She was up. I know she was up.
But I know that no matter what I tried to say to justify my actions, there was no backing it up. I had done wrong. I was in the wrong.

I wanted to fix this but I didn't know how. I made one mistake and it's put our entire marriage on the line.
The one thing I swore I would never be again after the incident with Beth was a husband fuelled by infidelity. But I've gone and broken that promise. I broke the promise I claimed I would keep when I stood in front of her in the church in front of all our friends and family members.

What makes it worse is that I didn't just cheat with anyone. It was with her. The worst person possible.
Yet I couldn't even remember. 

Riley moves her leg slightly but her foot brushes mine unintentionally. She holds her breath, trying to stay silent, but I knew we couldn't do this for much longer. I couldn't stay silent.
She could. She can give me the silent treatment for weeks on end.
But I can't. I can't just block her out. 

"We didn't take Autumn out for a walk," I say. 

I could hear the rain pouring outside heavily, the hailstones hitting the ground while the raindrops knocked against the windows.
Asher and Aaliyah would have fallen asleep to the sound of the nature. But I know for a fact Autumn wouldn't have been able to. She doesn't sleep unless she goes out for a stroll in the buggy. 

Riley stays silent still, so I rotate my body around, my chest a few inches away from her back. I didn't press up against her because I knew my boundaries.
I was lucky she was even letting me sleep in the same bed as her. 

I crane my neck slightly to look down at our daughter who lay content in her cradle. She wasn't asleep but she wasn't crying either. She was perfectly fine, and I knew that was what Riley's answer would be in response to my statement. 

Sighing, I lay back down and place my head up against my pillows.
"She gets that from you," I tell her softly. "Staying up all night. Not sleeping. Daydreaming. Thinking." 

"James," she warns slowly, her voice lowered.
My name comes out like a strain in her throat and it causes me to breathe in, thinking my next words through extra carefully. 

She doesn't say much else but she shuffles around again, trying to find a new position. 

I stare at her back directly in front of me and I close my eyes for a moment, shaking my head.
"I regret every single moment of it," I say to her, watching as she tenses at my words.
I don't think she had been expecting me to address it straight away but I had to. We couldn't keep revolving over eggshells. I had to acknowledge the truth. The consequences. 

My eyes linger on her spine and I close my eyes, trying to remember the night I supposedly spent with Whitney but I couldn't remember a thing.
All I could see was her face. Her grin. Her smirk.
Her eyes were green, nothing like Riley's. Her hair was nothing like Riley's. Her voice was nothing like Riley's. She was nothing like Riley and every time I think over what I had done, it only makes me want to punch myself. 

"James," she says again, this time a little louder.
She was trying to get me to stop but I couldn't. It was all me. I did it. And I hate myself for doing it. 

"I never should have left you. I should have stayed. I should have helped. I should have looked after the children. I should have stayed with you while you were pregnant with Autumn. It's all my fault, Ri." 

"James, I can't," she says. But she doesn't say it the way she had said it only hours ago. "I can't..." she whispers. 

I lift my head up and take one look at her, placing my hand on her arm before taking a quick glance over her to see her face heating up.
Her hand was placed on her chest and her breathing had grown extremely rapid. 

I pull the covers down and sit her up properly, taking hold of her hands while I looked her into her eyes. "Hey, look at me," I whisper.

She shakes her head, writhing in my grip to bring her hands back up to her chest.
"I'm going to be sick. I can't breathe. I- I really can't breathe," she struggles to let her words out, causing me to jump out of the bed, quickly throwing a pair of shoes on. 

Before I knew it, I was carrying Riley in my arms, one arm under her legs with the other supporting her upper body as I took her to the car.

I told Aaliyah to stay put in the house with her siblings after she had woken up rather frantically but I immediately called Emily to make her way over to ours to look after them for the time-being.
We had left Autumn too and we knew it was a risk, but Em was only a couple of minutes drive away so she'd be with the three of them in no time. 

I drove down the road as quickly as I could, rushing to get us to the hospital but with every second we spent in the car, the shorter Riley's breath became. 

"Hey," I reach my arm across to her and place my hand down on her lap. "Stay with me, okay."

She nods as best as she could, closing her eyes while she rested the back of her head against the rest before lacing her fingers together with mine.
I bring her hands up to my lips to kiss her knuckles gently when the lights turned amber, and as we started driving again at the green signal I just continued to pray in my head that everything would be okay. 

I know I had fucked up. But this couldn't be a consequence. If anything, I should be the one to suffer, not Riley. 

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," I whisper, keeping my hand on her thigh. "I'm so sorry." 

She opens her eyes to look at me but no words leave her lips, she just closes her eyes again and it causes me to keep on driving in silence.