One String Attached

95.

"Nathan knew? All this time?" she whispers.
I reopen my eyes to look at her and I nod. "Yes." Someone had to know. I couldn't have kept it to myself all that time. I had to get home somehow and if there was one person I trusted most out of everyone, it was my brother. 

Riley glances around the room and then sighs, shaking her head as she bit her lower lip.
"I still can't believe you did it, James. I don't get why. I don't understand why you felt the need to get drunk in the first place-" 

"I know. But think about it, Riley," I argue back. My tone wasn't harsh and austere, it was still tender and soft because I knew the walls in this house were thin. I didn't want to worry the children or my mother.
"You were struggling and you turned straight to me. I was your comfort while you were pregnant and everything with the police and Bryson was happening. I was Asher's comfort. I was Aaliyah's comfort. I was our unborn daughter's comfort. But who was my comfort, Ri?" 

"James, you could have turned to me. You know that. I'm always there for you. I was trying to be there for you but you always put on a wall with me. A wall I can't get past. You always have it up."
"You were pregnant, Riley. I couldn't put it on you." 

"Yes, you could. I don't care if I was about to give birth to triplets or not, James. I was trying to be there for you but you would never let me. You always turn everything onto me. You're always asking if I'm okay, it's always about me. You never let it be about you." 

"There's a strong reason behind that," I say to her, my leg movements becoming more rapid with every second we lost track of.
My hands had formed two fists as I tried to contain myself. Riley places her hands down firmly on the table and then raises an eyebrow. 

"What reason?" she bites back.
I close my eyes again, breathing in, regretting saying anything in the first place. "Riley..." 

"No, tell me. What is it? What, you don't trust me? You don't think I can protect you? You think I can't care about you and love you as much as you do me?"
"That's not what this is about," I say to her, narrowing my eyes.

I wanted her to understand what I was trying to say but I couldn't think of a way to put it lightly.
All the sentences I had been forming in my mind were harsh and I knew she would take it the wrong way. 

"What is this about then, James? Just tell me, okay? You're my husband... So talk to me-"

"It's because I'm afraid to lose you!" I exclaim suddenly, the words bursting out from my lips, the complete opposite way to how I had expected to tell her.
She blinks, trying to come to terms with what had just been said. 

"I'm always so scared, Riley," I mutter. "I almost lost you before and after that, there's always been this lingering feeling that won't ever go away. I'm always afraid of pushing you one step too far to the point where you'll relapse and go back to being her again.
"I wanted to confide in you so badly that it hurt when I lay in bed next to you every night. But I knew I couldn't. And I also knew I couldn't talk to anyone else about it so for just one night, I decided to head out and get a little drunk, hoping it would help me. But if anything, it made me feel worse." 

She wasn't listening. The look on her face had frozen when I said the words 'go back to being her again'. She was overthinking.
I'd only gone and made things worse. I ruined it all. We were making progress and then I had to ruin it. 

"Ri," I whisper, stretching my arms out to hold her hands. She allows me to hold them for a short number of seconds but then she snaps back into reality and instantly pulls away from me. 

"I'm sorry," she whispers. She scratches her forehead and pulls her chair backwards, distancing herself away from me.
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry for making you worry so much. For scaring you so much. I'm trying so hard not to be her, James, okay? I'm trying. I promise, I really am." 

Tears flood her eyes and it only makes me feel guiltier. "I know," I let out. "I know you are." 

"But I'm sorry it's not enough. I'm sorry I'm so bad you decided to go and cheat on me with the girl you know I hate the most! You know what that girl did to me and you knew what you were doing, James."
A tear rolls down her cheek as her words take a twist, hitting me right in the chest, harder than I had dug into her heart. Her knife was sharper this time. 

"I think we need to take a break," she mumbles. "And I don't just mean by not talking."
"What?" 

She stands up and circles the table, walking over to the door about to leave the kitchen.
"What do you mean, Ri?" 

She blinks, holding in her breath before she speaks again. "I'm done talking. I have three kids I need to go and check on. And if you were a more decent father than you have been a husband lately, you would do the same and not mention this conversation to any of them. Aaliyah's already suspicious and I don't need our marriage interfering with her emotionally, okay?" 

Her words were like background beats in my head, one bang after the other. Like fireworks. 

"I'm sleeping with Autumn. You can choose whether you want us to sleep in your room or downstairs but you and I cannot be in the same room tonight." 

"Riley," I call out to her.

She was in Riley mode.
She was blocking everything out and slowly those things will become people. She won't talk to me. She won't even look at me. 

Her hand brushes the door handle and she lets out her final inhaled breath. 

"Goodnight, James."