My Lifeline

15

Overthinking. Much worse than feeling numb to the very core. I'd rather have emotional numbness than overthink. I'd give anything to make my brain stop worrying me for just a few seconds.

All I can think about is everything all at once. Reminding me of the mistakes and embarrassing moments that happened during the day. It cripples me to the bed and makes the duvets fly over my head to hide me from the world.

The noise in my head becomes too much for me to deal with, so I blast music through my headphones and read to escape. I can be some place else for a little while. I can be someone—anyone—other than me.

Space Song, by Beach House.

As soon as I trail my eyes across the words on the rough pages, my mind takes me someplace else. Even though I know I'm under the covers in my room, I can see an entirely new world around me. I can smell things that aren't there, hear noises from the birds and waterfalls that surround me, picture the smiles that fail to fall.

I'm home.

And I never want to leave.

* * *

The next day, I contemplate making more of an effort for school, just because I know that Will's friends will most likely pressure me into sitting with them. I don't want to embarrass him by turning up in my usual comfy outfit that most people wouldn't be caught dead in. He never seems to be ashamed of my loose hair and my dark clothes which comfort me. Although I seem like I haven't slept in a billion years, he doesn't pretend like he doesn't know me.

I don't know many styles for my hair, so I tie it into a messy bun that just so happens to compliment my face shape. I pull out a cropped T-shirt which shows off my belly button, however I cover it up with the high waisted jeans that I fit around my waist with a belt.

I'm looking a lot more alive than I usually do, so I suppose it's a start. I'm surprised I'm going to this much effort for others to like and accept me. It's not like I've ever cared before.

I almost laugh at my stupid attempt to fit in with the others before I grab my belongings and head off to school.

My social battery is charged at a low percentage, so the thought of spending time with Will and his friends actually causes my eyes to tear up. Not one tear ever falls, though. My cheeks have been dry like a desert for years, stripped of the taste of salty water that hydrates them.

I can't do this. What was I thinking? How can I expect anyone to like me when I completely despise every part of myself? I hate my voice, my laughter, my smile, my personality. If I don't like those parts of me, how will anyone else?

I'm trying to live my life. I'm trying to say fuck it, but what if there's no point? What if this just causes my depressed state to worsen? Joining Will's group and spending time with those people could ruin my life. I don't know what will happen.

I don't like the idea of the unknown. I prefer being on my own where no one can hurt me and I'm safe from all the hurt and pain caused by others.

Will showed me a part of life that was too good, and I got lost somewhere in it. I lost everything I ever taught myself. But what if I closed myself off as a way to protect my heart? Can I really handle a betrayal? One more bad thing?

I think I'll fall off the edge completely if one more thing happens. No one will catch me this time, not even Will. I'll fall off the edge, and only the deep water below will catch me in its arms and hug me below the surface, stripping me of my right to breathe, stealing me from this place.