Hating You to Love Me

35. Ashley

I was afraid to look up in his eyes. I was already guilty and regretting it, to hurt him. Why didn't we clear this mess sooner? Why? Why didn't I do something? I bit my lower lip and I felt his hands on mine as he held them in his grasp.

"Ashley.. I.. I am sorry I was such a fucking Idiot but I was hurt, I couldn't.." he looked at me with those red eyes and I felt his pain just as he must be feeling mine. I was all dressed up yet so bare to his eyes. He knows it, I was an addict. What would he think of me?

"Alex, I am sorry I didn't..mean to hurt you." I sobbed as I looked at him. I couldn't imagine what he went through. His words hit me like a train. I wanted to go back in time but if one thing I learnt, it would be to let go of the past. I had always waited for this chance and I wouldn't let myself ruin it.

"No Ashley, I misunderstood you. I am fucking sorry but I was so hurt." He pressed his forehead against mine as he breathed while his tears glistened. He pulled me in his arms. "We were so foolish. We were so dumb." He said as he caressed the back of my head.
"I know." I muttered as I cried in his arms for I don't know how long. We didn't need to say anything. We needed this, this time, this warmth as we let our sorrows out.

I looked up as I grabbed his face in my hands. "Look at me Alex." And he did. He put his one hand on my face. "We've suffered enough. This isn't a fucking competition, it doesn't matter who hurt more, whose guilty, let's just get fucking over it. This isn't magic either, time will heal us. We will heal us." I caressed his cheek with my thumb.

"You can't fathom how much I put myself through pretending I didn't love you Peach because I never stopped loving you. I couldn't. I was just a fucking idiot. But I was hurt. I saw nothing. I am sorry. I promise I will make this second chance worth it. I promise I will remind you every day why Us matters. I won't leave you until I am no longer here Peach. Just one last time let me apologise so that I can take this weight off of me, please?" He held my neck gently.

I nodded not knowing what to say. He stood up and stepped back getting on his knees. I gasped as he looked up at me. "I am sorry Peach. Please forgive me for how much I hurt you. And I will try to let this go as soon as possible. It will take time to heal completely, feels like I already have but I also apologise if ever I hurt you in future intentionally. I am sorry. I am indeed an asshole. Please forgive me?" He stared at me.

I breathed in. I didn't deserve this man. He got on his knees to apologise when I should have done that. I mimicked his actions. I got on my knees in front of him like he did and he just stared at me.

"I forgave you when I told you I loved you, and I did that every-time I said I hate you. I forgive you Alex for the past, for the future too because if I don't, who will? And me too Alex, I am sorry. I am sorry for not realising how much I hurt you intentionally. The misunderstanding wasn't my fault alone, but my fault was not confronting you when I should have. My ego was too big for me to tell you how desperate I was for you. Do you forgive me too?" I asked hardly containing my sobs.

He stared at me before he took a deep breath. "I do." And he broke into tears again. "I love you Peach, I fucking love you. Please don't leave me again, fuck me okay? But don't leave me. I have suffered enough. Please?" He sobbed and I wrapped my arms around his neck hugging him.
I didn't cry, I would let him do that. I smiled through my tears. Finally there would be nothing between us.

This was it, this was the beauty of our love. We went through so much. This was why. I didn't ever give up on him, on us, why? This was why. Because we belonged with each other. If I let him go back then, I would be somewhere healed in a different way. But it didn't matter, I was grateful I never gave up.

I hated him, loved him, liked him, disliked him altogether. But it was always him. I felt his sobs echoing through my body. The same man who was always acting bold, this was the pain he held inside him. I was used to hear from others how toxic it was, the hate we had for each other but I knew it wasn't hate. It was the only way left for us to love each other when there was nothing left for us.

"Alex I love you. And I love you so much that I'd take away all your fucking sorrows." I whispered kissing the side of his head and he nodded his head.
"If only you could read my heart." He said and I smiled gently. I kissed his head again and he kissed my neck before he looked up.

"Wanna fuck?" He asked and I chuckled.
"You asshole." I muttered and he laughed through his tears.
"That's what you wrote in one of your books, Peach. Sex after confronting yea?" He tucked my hair behind and I chuckled again.
"Funny how we are laughing with our eyes swelled. You look so weird Alex, hotter in-fact." I smiled teasingly and he laughed again.

"I want to sleep in your arms." He whispered as his smile dropped into something serious. "Please."
I nodded. "I need that too." With that he swinged me off my knees.