One String Attached

94.

Had this been the first time, then yes. Maybe we would stay together. But I have very little faith this time around considering it must be the third time this has happened in our relationship.
And now we're in a marriage. I really regret my actions at this point in time.

.Riley.

"I know, baby. I know it hurts, but I'm here. Mummy's here and she loves you so much, darling," I whisper to my daughter as I stood in James's old bedroom upstairs when Autumn refused to go to sleep.
She had been crying for an hour straight but when I just managed to get her to stay quiet, she started crawling around on the floor and accidentally hit her head against the sofa.

It didn't matter how many times I kissed her or rubbed her back or cuddled her, she wouldn't go back to being as content as she was only a number of minutes ago.
I knew if it was James holding her he would have been able to send her off to sleep in seconds, but he wasn't talking to me at all.

It had become a thing now where we only ever stared at each other before the other person noticed and we quickly looked away.
I know he and I have to talk. I know he's waiting for me to approach him. But what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? He betrayed me in one of the most hurtful ways possible.

I'm pretty sure Autumn could sense everything that was going on which is one of the few reasons why she wouldn't stay silent.
Even as I sit the two of us down on the bed, she starts pushing at me with her tiny hands which had formed small fists, refusing to settle in my grip.

"Autumn, please," I whisper as tears filled my eyes.

It's times like this where I begin to believe Mum was right.
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not fit enough to look after my own children. I don't know how to care for them the right way or give them what they want or keep them happy.
Even Aaliyah's refusing to go near me.

There's a light knock on the door of the room and I close my eyes shut tightly, just praying it wasn't my husband. I couldn't talk to him yet. I wasn't ready to deal with this at all.

"Ri, it's me," Piper's voice calls through the door before she opens it slowly and steps inside.
Autumn rotates her head at the sound of her footsteps and voice and then her increasing wails immediately come to a halt to be exchanged with sniffles instead. Light ones. Soft ones.

She reaches her arms out towards her aunt and I scratch my forehead.
"Autumn loves you," I mumble under my breath.

Piper takes a look down at my daughter and then smiles softly, heading over to sit down on the edge of the bed before lifting Autumn onto her lap to soothe and caress her instead. And she was strangely successful in doing so.
"I must be a pretty bad mother then, hm," I mutter, clasping my hands together as I watched the two girls in front of me.

Piper shakes her head in an instant, moving her hand to my arm.
"No," she replies gently. "You and James are just struggling at the moment and Autumn can detect that. But it's okay."

"How is any of that okay, Piper?" I scoff, chuckling to shake it off. But none of this was funny in the slightest. Every day that passed by was another day James and I hadn't spoken and another metre we drifted apart.
"What am I supposed to do? He cheated on me. Not just on me, but on his children and somehow I'm the one who looks like the bad guy?"

It's always me. That's something I'm slowly growing used to. It doesn't matter who puts the most effort into their family that's deemed the favourite. It's about who's softer. Who's funnier. Who's calmer. They're always the ones favourited by their kids.
Not the one who worries each and every day about their children's concerns, constantly looking to see how they can improve themselves for the better.

It's James who's in the right, even though he broke my heart. Or at least that's what everyone else sees, including Deborah.
I was in the wrong when I got involved with Bryson. That's the argument she had. That we all have mistakes and skeletons in the closet but so long as they aren't alive anymore, everything will be fine.

Except it's not fine.

It's far from fine.

I can't even trust the man I'm supposed to be in love with, the one I'm married to.

"You need to talk to him, Riley," Piper says sternly, looking me in the eye. "You can't expect to resolve anything if you don't talk to him."
"And say what to him? That I love him? That I forgive him? Just like that?"

"No," she corrects me. "You tell him exactly what's on your mind. You tell him what you want. And you make sure he knows what he's done wrong and how you feel about it. Until that happens, this is how it's going to be. You're going to have three children who are scared to talk to their own mother because she's scared to communicate with her husband. Communication is key, Ri. So don't abuse it."

I move my lips to say something but no words come out so I shut my mouth again, going back to being silent.
I knew she was right. But I wish she wasn't.