If I Stay✔️

71

Absentmindedly, I run to the door and twist the knob, uncaring if my erratic behaviour wakes Charlie. I scramble into the hallway, not paying attention to my surroundings as my body collides with another.

A scream and sob both bubble in my throat at once, a choking sound leaving me as I feel the unknown body brush against mine. Skin on skin, scorching, scolding, burning.

Too familiar, too much, too real.

He's not here-

I push to my feet in an instant, my eyes frantically searching for an escape as apprehension swells deep in the pits of my nauseated gut.

A sniffle breaks the magnified, fear coated silence. I look down, my blurry eyes landing on Lily's tear stained face, slowly drifting to bed bloodied thumb.

You hurt her, this is what you do — you hurt people.

"Are you okay?" I hear myself ask, the utter terror clear in my voice. Ignoring the sting of unwanted contact, I offer her my hand and pull her to her feet, eagerly pulling my hand from hers.

Too much touching.

I barely hear her response, too lost in the depth of this reoccurring darkness. Seeing her head nod, I hum lowly and go to move around her, eager for something — anything to take away this feeling I can't seem to forget. She has other plans though, her body moving to block my path.

Talk, talk, talk-

I thin my lips to hide the trembles, I want nothing more than to talk to Lily, but I can't. If I was in a better frame of mind; one where I didn't feel so powerless, then this would be the best time for our conversation to take place; the middle of the night, no interruptions or interference from our siblings. Just her and me.

Just us.

But I'm not, and I fear that maybe I never will be.

I watch her, my heart splintering, fragments of guilt piercing my lungs as she begs me, her eyes pleading with me to just stay. I consider it, I get caught in a mental fight between my heart and head, preparing for the two to work as a team instead of remaining pitted against one another. But, like everything in my life, the battle is pointless. Fear always wins.

"I..." I try to speak, my voice betraying me. She begs again, eyes seeking mine. I pull my eyes from her identical set, finding safety behind her shoulder.

The crack in her voice unearths me, I float into this bubble of nothingness. My feelings and fears crumble before me, leaving me emotionless and numb.

Shaking my head, "I'm sorry," I croak, throat dry. The imposter voice sounds nothing like my own. There's no apology in my tone, no love, nothing but numbness until her cries reach my ears.

Forcing my feet to keep moving, I walk around her, my steps slow and unforgiving as the cries ring louder, breaking my heart with the longing each cry holds.

I pause when I reach a safe enough distance from her, leaning my forehead against the wall, I take a deep breath, followed by another, then another, until my heart finally slows in its unforgiving battle.

Thirty seconds later, I find myself tiptoeing after her. I don't know why I'm following her, maybe I want to see if she's okay, or maybe I had to witness the devastation I seem to always cause for myself.