Rekindled | ✓

Chapter 19. It's Hurting

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up."

The smile fades away into oblivion as the words start to pierce through Inaaya's layers.

"You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."

Inaaya's lips part to suck in a deep breath. She could feel her heart constricting in her chest at the enormous amount of pain, yearning and reminiscence that suddenly seemed to be digging their claws in the deepest recesses of her memories. Her fingers curled in as her breathing became ragged. Vivid images floated in her mind and each one of them were centred around him. The carefree smile that would enthrall her, that gaze which alone was enough to make her come undone and the kiss...... oh, the kiss which had taken her breath away, had her feeling vulnerable and protected all at once, had her heart swell in unbridled serenity and left her lips aching for more.

"Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate— "

Inaaya gets up abruptly, blinking furiously as she felt her eyes sting. She spared an uncertain glance at Alice who looked confused before leaving the room and entering the washroom.  She shut the door from inside and put her entire weight on it, still somehow managing to stand straight on her wobbly feet. She let out a shaky breath as her vision turned glassy. Her shoulders drooped as she weakly wrapped her arms around herself and pulled at the ends of her sleeves.

She despised it.

She despised how even after being a major part of her life just for a few months, he had managed to steal a permanent residence for himself in her life that continues to exist with or without his presence.

Inaaya wanted to run away from everyone, from the place she lived in which had turned into a prison suffocating her with its brutality and it was only after he came that she saw hope, a speck of light, a glimmer of sincere love that seemed worth staying alongwith the brutality that had its jaws wrapped around her. Soon, she found herself running towards him. And in the end, the harsh reality had to slap her in the face and remind her how everything good in her life is nothing but an illusion, a short-lived mirage.

Ayansh's betrayal wasn't something she saw coming and it erased the silly little belief of hers that people can ever be your home, they can ever be your escape. She was dumb to ever think that running away would make her demons stop chasing her, would make her life fall in place. She loathed a lot of things about herself. She hated how miserable she was, how weak she felt, how one incident that happened years back due to her Dad had shaped her into this aimless woman with no hope and prospects other than to find an escape, a hiding place where nobody could reach her.

Coming to Cambridge knocked the much needed sense in her. It made her face the very flaws in her thought process, the lack of vision she had, the lack of self-love she possessed for herself. Being on her own with people driven towards their goal made her acknowledge how over the years, she had changed from a dreamy kid to a desolate woman. Maybe it made a small difference for others but for her it was defining. She now had a motivation to work hard and it wasn't to run or find an escape. She had started to dream again, for herself and that was a small yet significant step in giving herself the love that she had always been deprived of. She had a lot of reasons to be disappointed in herself but amidst everything, this was something that sowed a seed of pride within her, made her think that maybe finally she's getting something right, atleast from her career point of view.