daddy issues

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daddy issues
that's a bit of a deprecating way to to put it
don't u think?
it's a loss u feel forever
when your childhood years are spent feeling like you're freewheeling through the stratosphere
when he doesn't show up
and the only times he does, it's to remind you how much of a fuck up you are
anger anger anger
apology apology apology
I was 9 when I looked up the term guilt gift
And I told my mom about it
the earrings and the chocolates he would bring us from his trips abroad
guilt gifts, labeled and dismissed
I was soft then but I'm not now
it's resolve, hard cold resolve
I won't ever let myself love him
No matter how hard he tries now
No matter how plaintive his eyes get
No matter how many times he sits in front of me, on the blue couch in our living room, beige walls and paintings of flowers behind him, and looks down at his hands as if he can make them undo the damage
My father
The pathetic patriarch
the longer i look at him, the smaller he seems to get
Daddy issues is a rich fucking term
it gets thrown at me by those who feel slighted by me, they feel I took something from them, that I wasted their time, and they say it's my daddy issues
sure, whatever, i have issues with my daddy, who would've guessed?
look at the people I kiss
Look at the stacks of notebooks filled with messy handwriting
Look at the chewed tops of my fingernails
the books I read, the shows I watch, the manner in which I relate to the world 
I'm always looking for a strong man
even in women
even in myself
don't cry, don't trip, don't falter
real men
I'm a real man
More than he ever could be

( so, yes, daddy issues are the two stupidest words in the English language strung together and i would like to burn them off humanity's collective memory )

 ( so, yes, daddy issues are the two stupidest words in the English language strung together and i would like to burn them off humanity's collective memory )

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