i look for god in the nooks and crannies of every place i go to nowadays.
crowded metro stations, bustling classrooms, sweaty parties, the homes of my friends who have loving families. where does this goodness come from? many of them (my friends) have altars dedicated to god in their homes. sometimes in direct view of the entrance. does keeping god in homes make people love each other better?
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even in people.
boys i kiss, i look for a sign of divinity. sweet girls who say sweet things, and all i'm thinking of is, do you believe? are you a believer? can you teach me how to be one?
because i'm tired of believing in myself. i'm tired of myself. and i'm tired of boyfriends and girlfriends and fathers and mothers. i'm tired of my body and i'm tired of being touched and i'm tired of being tired. i just want to be soft. i want to believe that there is a god who is crafting the story of my life, that nihilism is bullshit, and that i have a happy ending, a soft epilogue.
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a song about a forest fire that i put on loop as i sift through essays about false prophets who hurt children
(so today i will wear my white button-down / i can at least be neat / walk out and be seen as clean / and i'll go to work and i'll go to sleep / and i'll love the littler things / i'll love some littler things)
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i want to believe in god. i do, so desperately. but i don't know the first thing about godliness.
what is it like to be loved unconditionally?
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