ROTTMNT ONESHOTS/SHORT STORIES

Big Brother Burden

Request; no
Who; Raph
Type; angst | hurt/no comfort
Summary; Raph succums to the breakdown, after the stress of being the oldest topples over. Sometimes, he just needed a good cry.

Warnings; breakdown, damaged self worth, not sure what else to put

~~~

The four piled into the lair, as the caught their breaths. Donnie took off his battle shell and stretched, and Mikey just collapsed to the floor. Leo stepped over him, and went to go get graham crackers, before coming back and sitting next to Mikey on the floor.

Raph just looked at them.

They were all bloody and bruised, cuts all over and faces swollen. You could tell how much they all ached and you really didn't have to look at them very long to realize that. Raphael stood, seemingly frozen in place, as he looked between his brothers. The guilt was so overwhelming. Donnie came pretty close to losing his head, Mikey was thrown to the ground so hard the cement broke, Leo almost got thrown off of a building-

Raph tried to keep it in, he really did. And he barely did. The back of his eyes burned with years that dared to surface to the front. He silently turned and walked away, staring daggers at the floor below him as he walked. Guilt was eating him alive- it hurts. It really, really hurts. But he kept walking in silence, mentally cussing at himself as tears started blurring his vision. His brothers are hurt. It sunk in, far deeper than he thought it would.

His brothers are hurt.

And it's his fault.

He's the oldest, and he didn't protect them well enough. They're all in so much pain and he's what, walking off to some random part of the lair?? He doesn't even know where he's going! His mind is on auto-pilot, he's walking without knowing where he's walking to! He should be helping his brothers!

None of this wouldn't have happened if he protected them better. None of this wouldn't have happened if he did his damn job. None of this wouldn't have happened if he was just, better.

Why can't he do this?

Why can't he be better?

All of these ran through his mind in seconds. And before he knew it, the tears were falling down his face. He sat down, only looking around for a brief moment; he was at the "meditation spot." Thats what he and his brothers called it, anyway. It was an area that was barely ever used, always quiet, not crowded, and always had a smell of cinnamon. Raph went there a lot, Leo started going once he became leader due to the stress of it. Donnie was there frequently, especially when he's stressed with his tech, though he thinks no one knows about his whereabouts there. Mikey didn't go so much, or if he went more nobody really knew about it.

Raph tried taking a deep breath. Key word, tried. His breath was so staggered, he couldn't get a single breath in before choking up. He ended up getting into a hysterical coughing fit, feeling like he couldn't breath. His throat was closed up and there was not enough air around him for what he needed in his system currently. He brought his knees to his plastron best he could, and hugged them closer, laying his head atop of his knees.

He silenced himself the best he could, biting his tongue to stop himself from crying too loudly for his liking.

God damn it.

He didn't want to cry. He really didn't. He wanted to be there for his brothers.

But he just..

Couldn't.

He went into hysterics, frantic gasps and cries as he hugged his knees close to his chest. He could only hear ringing in his ears, and he could painfully feel the weight on his chest and shoulders slowly yet surely crush him. His head pounded and his entire being shook violently. He had one job- one fucking job. And he failed. As an older brother, your job is to protect your younger siblings with your life. And they got hurt anyway. Beaten, bloody, and bruised. Fuck, he almost lost them today. He failed. Sure they're alive now, but what happens next time?

There cant be a next time.

He let this happen.

He wasnt stong enough for them. Look that happened.

He should've been stronger.

He couldnt fight the breakdown anymore. He tried to be quiet and he tried to calm himself down and he tried to get up to help his brothers but he just purely couldnt. Raph just, succumed to the break down. He let himself cry. He let himself feel like crap. He let his eyes burn with tears. He let his body shake. He let his heart hurt.

He let himself cry harder.

And that was that. There was no calming down, there was no hug, there was no soft words of affirmation, there was no comforting rest. There was just Raph. Just Raph, crying. Just Raph, alone.

Its just Raph.

And thats that.

~~~~~

846 words.

Lost motivation for this one a bit quick, Im sorry :(( this one was short