Lost In The Fray

Fifty One

Nia

A gentle knock at my bedroom door alerts me awake, and I rub my eyes with a small moan as I register my surroundings. The comforts of my own bed over the uncomfortable mattress at the hospital want to take me back to sleep.

"Nia?"

My eyes spring open at Milo's voice, and my body fills with a contradictive warmth against the chill creeping down my spine.

"Milo?" I stare at the closed door as if I can see him through it.

"Yeah. It's me." His voice holds a smile and some sort of excitement which seems to buzz over my skin. The last time I saw him is ingrained into my mind. The pain on his face, which he tried so hard to hide, lingered in his eyes. So when he asks his question, I agree, too eager to replace that haunted look in my mind. "Can I come in?"

"Okay." I'm almost leaning closer to the door as it clicks and begins to open before I remember what I was doing before I fell asleep.

"Wait, wait, wait." The panic in my voice is clear, and the door freezes midway. I stare wide-eyed at my dialysis machine, follow the tube attached to my catheter, and then back at the door.

"Nia?"

"Hang on." I shuffle myself into more of a seated position against my headboard. I grab the scrunchie from my bedside table and run my fingers through my hair to pull it into a ponytail. After three days of lying in bed, I feel yucky.

"What is it? Want me to wait in the living room for you?"

"No." Absolutely not. I'm trying to avoid Dad and Milo in the same room together if I can help it. "I, erm. I'm on dialysis." I grimace, embarrassed as if Milo can see me.

"That's okay. I can close my eyes."

I stare at the door for a second as I decide what to do. I should know Milo isn't going to be bothered about me being on dialysis. That he's probably more interested in it than grossed out, but I can't wrap my head around that. It feels wrong somehow.

So I continue to hide my body and tug my t-shirt down and the duvet over as much as I can cover, pulling it up over my chin for comfort.

"Okay," I mutter, unsure if Milo even heard me. Milo steps into the room with his eyes squeezed shut. He closes the door behind him and puts a hand over his eyes. "I've seen it before. I'm not going to run away."

I smile as he confirms what I expect from him. "Yeah, but you didn't see it with my kidney goop running through it."

Milo's grin confuses me.

"Why are you smiling?"

He drops his hand but keeps his eyes shut. The look on his face shifts, from excited to something else I can't name. All that matters is that he's equally as happy. "It will probably be the only time I ever see it, right?"

"Hopefully." I nod automatically, despite him not being able to see me. And then I realise why Milo is here. He's found out what I've chosen to do and come to share that with me.

My body alights with pleasure, shooting through my veins in the absence of the dread that has clawed at me for months.

I don't feel sick when I see the way he looks at me or when I think about how I feel about him. I'm not trying to avoid what I want with Milo because of my uncertain future. He's right here. And I feel like I can finally have what I've wanted all along.

I finally feel like I can tell him he's not alone.

"Who told you?"

"Your uncle." He tilts his head to the side as he chews on the corner of his lip. "Can I open my eyes now?"