Pale Blue Love

Unbreakable Bond

   It was June 6th, 2011. I still remember it clear as day. I spent weeks feeling sick and weak. Mrs. L had offered to take me to Mount Sinai that day while the rest of the cadets went to a water training at Orchard Beach. We left around 10 Am, I was nervous. I wore a white dress to keep me cool from the heat. We waited for at least an hour in the waiting room before I was called in. They ran some labs and tests on me to determine the cause of my symptoms. An hour went by and then another, I was becoming worried. Then my name was finally called back into the room. The doctor holding the results in her hand. Mrs. L looked at the doctor. "Okay doctor, what is wrong with my niece?" She wanted to be involved in the confidential information, so she decided to act as my aunt that day. 

   The doctor looked at me and asked if I was comfortable letting Mrs. L hear the results. I guess she sensed my discomfort. I looked at Mrs. L as she stared back at me. I nodded, "Yes." too afraid to say no. 

   "The test for chlamydia came back positive. HIV came back negative, but what also came back positive was the pregnancy test." Upon hearing those words, I began to cry. It was a bittersweet feeling. I was excited, I would be a mom. But my parents wouldn't like this one bit. And what about him? What would he think of it? My mind was becoming a huge knot of questions. 

"Now, I am obligated to ask if this is a wanted pregnancy or if you'd like to terminated it." The doctor followed and before I could answer Mrs. L had done so for me. 

"No, she is too young. We want to schedule an abortion and we also will like a social worker." 

When the doctor left the room Mrs. L begun to drill in my head that I could not bring a child into the world. For what, to suffer? 

"You are going to tell the social worker everything he has done to you, from trying to burn your hair whenever you disagree, when he beats you, about your dad not doing anything for you because his head is too far up his ass. And how your mom has not done a thing to defend you from him. Tell 'em everything, don't get scared and hold back. You are going to tell them everything." 

   Mrs. L had changed the moment the doctor gave out the results of the labs. I looked at her and tried to plead. But she wanted me to tell. If not, she would do it for me. 

   By the time the social worker came I was hysterical. I was shivering, not from being cold, but from my nerves. The social worker seemed to be able to see through me. He was able to read me like a book. I was frightened. I did not want my brother to be removed from the house, I did not want any of my parents to get in trouble and I did not want him to go to prison. Everyone at school already held me under the wrong light, it would only get worse. But they were pressuring me. I felt my heart beating, I heard it beating loudly in my ears. My mouth became dry, my head spun. I kept refusing the social services, but it was as if I was strapped down and fed a bitter food I did not want. 

   Those fifteen minutes felt an eternity. I just wanted to leave home. 

"Don't tell him that you are pregnant. We are going to get that baby out on Tuesday. So don't go making any ideas in your head." She said smoking a cigarette once we got outside. 

"But what if when the time comes, I cannot have any children?" 

"Are you crazy?! My sister had eight abortions before getting married and she has children now. You'll be able to give someone else children."

She stared at me noticing I kept looking down at the floor. 

"I had an abortion myself and I am fine." 

We walked to the train station. There was a dense air around us and a great silence. I was happy to be out of the hospital. I had begun falling in love with the idea of being a mom. I smiled the whole train ride back to The Bronx.  

   As we arrived to the school around 3 PM, so did the others. I handed him the medication the doctor had given me for him to treat his Chlamydia. He questioned me, he tried to intimidate me. 

"You've been sleeping around again." I told him. 

"No, I have not."

"Then how did you end up with Chlamydia?"

"Must have been you."

"I don't sleep around. And that is a fact that you can confirm on your own." I told him before going up to the commanders. 

   A new drama was unraveling. His childhood friend, fellow cadet and Roslyn's boyfriend had discovered what had been happening. He began shouting at him and telling him all sorts of things. He quickly begun heading towards his friend, I got in the way and with the help of others kept him away. After the scene cleared up, the commanders drove my brother and I home. They were quiet, as in deep thought. 

The next week, after another trip the commanders asked Carlos and I to take some clothing in a bag to stay over their home. My parents agreed, they let us go with them. They took us to see the new X-Men movie out that year as they coached me on being stronger and meaner. 

The morning after, Mrs. L cooked us a grand breakfast, so delicious. She seemed to have gotten back to being caring and sweet. I was afraid to speak to her, but she did so on her own. She served me and told me how much she appreciated my brother and I. We were to them like the children they did not yet have. All they wanted was to protect us. In their words they wanted to adopt us. That is why the social worker was requested by her.

   I cannot remember what caused the abortion date to be pushed back. But when Tuesday came Mrs. L told me it had been rescheduled. I breathed a sigh of relief; I was enamored with the idea of becoming a mother. I got a due date, April 13th, 2012. I was so happy. I was just 6 weeks in. 

I decided to tell him of our baby. He was ecstatic. He painted a future for us. However, just a few days later, it changed. "Get an abortion." he said. "No." I replied. 

   When we met in cadets that week, he was fine, rubbing my belly every now and then. But that changed in the blink of an eye. As we waited for the bus, he beat me. Punching my stomach. I tried getting away but he'd just pull me back by the hair and arm. Everyone stared, even my brother stared. No one helped. My brother said he thought we were just playing.

   I lost the baby quickly after. A haunting memory I live with every day. I cannot help to sometimes wonder about my baby when looking at my children now, how would it have been if it were here today? Was it a boy or a girl? Who's features dominated? I will never know.

   The night I lost the baby, the commanders rushed me to countless hospitals. All hospitals in The Bronx were over flowing with patients. The waiting list were too long to wait to be seen. I was losing a lot of blood. They drove me to Mount Sinai. I laid in the stretcher listening to the doctor as I cried. She reached within me and took out the fetus. A big clump of red and pink. She put it in a glass container with some solution in it. She brought it up to me and showed me. 

"Here, say your goodbyes. I know you'll need the closure." But I was muted. All I could do was silently cry. So, she set it at the counter near a sink. I watched it from afar the whole time I was there.

   I heard her tell Mrs. L outside the door that I was about 7 to 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I carry that memory with me always. It was the only time I got to see it. Even if it was in the most unfortunate way. I got to see my baby. About a month later Mrs. L told me that when she was around my age, she was forced to get an abortion. Her reaction to my pregnancy became clear, I understood the reason to her madness.